Pop Culture, Writing

How to Date an Incarcerated Pirate Farmer Who Loves Cats

While perusing one of my favorite websites, 20-Nothings, I came across a recent New York Times article about the rise of niche dating. Wanna date a old wealthy bearded Vegan who loves Macs? Well, then there are plenty of options for you. However, I noticed that a few important demographics were left out of the list and thought I’d include them below.

Pirate Passions– “Pirates Passions be a 100% free social networrrkin’ an’ online datin’ site ferrr buccanneers an’ buccanneers at hearrrt

Free and full of people who absolutely do not look like pirates, this is a great way to get your Capitan Ron freak on. Example of what you will find: “CreepyOlGuy”, 43 years old, enjoys eating brains, currently lives on a pirate ship with his wife and children, Pagan.

Cowboy Cowgirl- “Welcome to Cowboy Cowgirl! Where Country meets Country!”

Ever want to date someone who never removes their cowboy hat (ahem, Robert Rodriguez)? Then this is the site for you! Where every match states that they enjoy the finer things in life such as “rodeo”, “gambling”, and “fishing”. Every single one. Every. Single. One.

Sea Captain Date“Dating Can Be a Stormy Sea”

Life as a sea captain is a lonely one, so why not get more than just your boat wet? Sea Captain Date is the premier dating service for sea captains and the ladies who love them. Example of what you will find: AllHandsonDick, 23 years old, Silverlake, CA, is “looking for an chill girl who’s down to party on my dad’s boat sometime. No drama please.” (sent to me via Write_By_Night)

Farmers Only– “City folks just don’t get it!

With profile names like “Deerfriend”, “TraxterMaster”, and “FarmBoy4U2Luv2”, this is the only place to find that special someone who love theirs tractor more than your future farm hand children. Example of what you will find: CountryGuy62, 45 years old, has “been alone for about 5 years now and needs to do some catching up. Tired of sitting home alone watching TV”.

Purrsonals– “Meet other cat lovers who really match your PURRsonality!”

Unfortunately, I could not take a look at the profiles, but I’m sure your imagination can run wild with this.

Dating For Ugly PeopleIf you are one of the millions of people that don’t always like what they see in the mirror, then this is the place for you!
Now featured in six different countries, including Ireland and South Africa, The Ugly Bug Ball is the place where ugly people find each other and then make ugly children.

Inmates for YouThe inmates within this site are looking for friends, pen pals, and even that love of their life.”

This site actually is kind of sad. It reminded me of Shawshank Redemption. Most of these inmates sound desperate for friends, speak of their God-fearing ways, and refer to themselves as though they’re still in society. It’s actually worth taking a look strictly from a sociological standpoint. Until you realized they probably killed someone.

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  • Reply Nequam Compleo January 13, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    OK. That last line made me laugh.

  • Reply IT (aka Ivan Toblog) January 13, 2011 at 5:55 pm

    Oops, I misread the title of the post as incinerated.

    BTW – my favorite pirate line:
    "Where are your buccaneers?"
    "Under my buckin' hat!"

  • Reply Dainty Librarian Vintage January 13, 2011 at 6:18 pm

    This is absolutely fantastic. Everybody needs somebody, right?

  • Reply theTsaritsa January 13, 2011 at 6:48 pm

    Oh wow, I wish you could have gotten onto Purrsonals! Something tells me the profiles there are extra awesome. I would join that site if I were single 🙂

  • Reply Melanie's Randomness January 13, 2011 at 8:00 pm

    Wow. The inmate one & the cat one & the pirate one cracked me up. But everyone needs love? right?

    Melanie's Randomness

  • Reply WILDasaMINK January 13, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    I am 100% all for this Cowboy Cowgirl site as long as they'll accept and Urban Cowgirl like myself…I do love those southern gents in their boots and hats that make crazy coffee concoctions over the stove and spruce it up with a dash of cinnamon and when handing it over to me they say, "here ya go darlin' this here is 'cowboy coffee" (true story by the way,happened just 2wks ago).

  • Reply A Kitchen Witch January 13, 2011 at 11:01 pm

    I'd like to add that I've noticed that when two ugly people have a child it is usually beautiful. The exception to this is when the two ugly ppl. are related. Then, the child typically gets a double-dose of ugly. Has anyone else ever noticed this?

  • Reply Jessica January 14, 2011 at 12:04 am

    I love this.

  • Reply Hipstercrite January 14, 2011 at 2:12 am

    @Nequam- About the murderous inmates?

    @IT- Ha! What I want to know is, how do you know pirate jokes?

    @Dainty- It's true. I actually cut the list down. I also found dating sites for doctors, scientists, and nudists.

    @Tsaritsa- I bet Purrsonals is amazing! I bet there are a lot of profile pics that look like Sears Family Portraits with owner and cat.

    @Melanie- Did you get a chance to peruse the Inmate one? It's actually really sad and interesting.

    @Mink- Hot damn! I want a cowboy to make me weird coffee too! How was the coffee (and the boy)?

    @A Kitchen Witch- That is a very excellent point. And when two good looking people get together, sometimes they make ugly children.

    @Jessica- 🙂

  • Reply Roxanne and Lorraine January 14, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    The ugly one made me a little sad. Like, I know ugly people exist, I just don't want them to think they are ugly. Tear.

    Inmates for you scares the shit out of me.


  • Reply Nequam Compleo January 14, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    Yeah – "Until you realized they probably killed someone." It did. It made me laugh.

  • Reply Big Mark 243 January 15, 2011 at 7:37 pm

    You know I am a little hurt and left out… I guess I am going to have to start a site for urban cats who listen to melancholy college rock music who sit and ponder Chomsky and reads Malcom Gladwell for fun!

  • Reply Emily @ TheLastWord January 17, 2011 at 4:18 am

    I sent the sea captain one to a sleezy guy friend. I think he needs to find his first mate.

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