Top Ten Ways to Know If You’re Addicted to Twitter

Or: Why Twitter Is The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Only Children

Hi, my name is Lauren and I am an alcoholic.
Wait, I mean, I’m a Twitter addict.
I forgot which blog post this was for a second.

I love Twitter.
I’m so infatuated with Twitter that my imaginary boyfriend hypothetically found me holed up in my room this weekend, pant-less, with the glow of my computer screen accentuating the glimmer of drool running down my chin. He asked me what I was doing and I lied and told him that I was watching porn. HAHAHAHA I LIED!

There was a time when I hated Twitter though. In fact, I wrote a poorly-composed blog post about it. To me it was like reading Ikea instructions. At first I was all like, “F yeah! I’m going to make this really neat-o Swedish asymmetrical thingy!” and then after trying to decipher instructions that looked like they were in a foreign language but were actually in English and graphics that looked like a 6 month-old monkey drew them, my voice dropped an octave and I started screaming, “I DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS GOD FORSAKEN WHORE OF A COFFEE TABLE!” and made a crucifix out of the cheap plywood and simulated questionable acts with it.

Twitter made no sense to me. It seemed like it only made sense to people who get easily distracted by squirrels.

So, what got me over my Twitter hump? It was while managing the Twitter account of my former employer that I began to understand Twitter’s generous offering to the world. I realized it’s grassroots marketing benefits for small businesses and how it applied to me and my blog. I began meeting so many wonderful people on and offline through Twitter. I also discovered what interesting and thought-provoking content is passed through Twitter every millisecond! I was completely enamoured and our relationship has been rock solid ever since.

However, sometimes I worry that our rapport may be a little too rock solid. I fear that Twitter is starting to interfere with me and my fake boyfriend’s relationship.

If you have these same fears too, then check out my checklist below for figuring out whether or not you’re addicted to Twitter.

Top Ten Ways to Know If You’re a Twitter Addict

1.) An event or conversation will occur in real life and the first thought that comes to mind is, “How will I best be able to translate or embellish this impressionable event/convo on Twitter?” You also secretly hope that no one who was actually there in real life sees your embellished tweet and publicly calls bullshit.

2.) You keep a running list in your journal of events or conversations for tweeting later…because you will forget to use them later…because Twitter gave you onset ADD.

3.) You are introduced to people in real life and realize that you already know them from Twitter and that no matter what they say their name is, you’ll forever remember them by their Twitter handle.

4.) Your Twitter list titles consist of, “People Like Me”, “People Who Like Me”, and “People Who Make Me Feel Better About My Low Self-Esteem”.

5.) You wish you had a time machine so you can go back into time and show every who made fun of you in high school how many Twitter followers you have.

6.) You view Twitter as an excellent public forum to tweet cryptic messages to ex-boyfriends/tweet song lyrics that don’t actually reflect your mood to confuse ex-boyfriends/post pictures of you dog/post pictures of you and your dog in bed/post pictures of you in bed/post pictures of you tweeting cryptic song lyrics to ex-boyfriends with your dog in bed.

7.) Your life feels a little more validated, your heart a little fuller, and your groin a little tinglier after you see the “So and so is now following you on Twitter!” email pop up in your inbox.

8.) You constantly hit “@mentions” because you’re too impatient to wait for the alert to pop up…because Twitter gave you not only ADD, but possibly Tourette’s and Asperger’s too.

9.) Twitter has done such an excellent job of teaching you to be concise that now all of the college papers you turn in are 140 characters or less.

10.) You ask your Twitter followers for medical advice.

Tell me in what ways you think you’re addicted to Twitter.
Follow me on Twitter here!

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  • Reply Christopher November 23, 2010 at 3:31 pm

    I only just got myself started on twitter last week. Now that I'm sort of figuring out what all the @'s and #'s mean it's starting to make sense. You get a similar feeling to that warm-fuzzy feeling you get from blog comments so I can see how it could get addictive. I guess I know what I have to look forward to now.

  • Reply Robbie November 23, 2010 at 3:42 pm

    Here is my way to tell I use twitter too much http://twitter.com/#!/itsmoirob/status/6733558446034944
    (from my news feed yesterday)

    ps I've completely forgotten how to use html. It's been a long time blogger comment box

  • Reply dez November 23, 2010 at 3:48 pm

    11: When your spouse instinctively says "You better not tweet that" after saying something profound or weird.

  • Reply Ella November 23, 2010 at 4:05 pm

    I absolutely am a Twitter addict.

    I know this because it has become my goal to start a trending topic so I hashtag a lot.

    As I speak I think of what could be hashtagged.

    I quote people from real life on twitter all the time, mostly so I won't forget the funny… mostly.

    Oh twitter, you run me.

  • Reply theTsaritsa November 23, 2010 at 4:35 pm

    I like Twitter a lot, but it's not a problem for me because I have a desktop computer. And when I'm not at home I'm not tweeting.

    The real problem is people's addictions to smart phones, IMHO. What's the point of tweeting about at an event while you're there and should be enjoying yourself? Right?! Call me crazy, but I long for the old fashioned rotary phones.

  • Reply This Is Kami November 23, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    Oh crap – I'm guilty of many of these. Mostly the one where I post photos of my cat/what food I'm eating. #sadcatlady

  • Reply Hipstercrite November 23, 2010 at 5:13 pm

    @Christopher- The passion will grow within you and you won't even realize!!!

    @Rob- Hahaha! Hey, thanks for your tweets as of late!

    @Dez- That is hysterical and perfect!!! I hope I get to that point one day…where I have a spouse, I mean…

    @Ella- I JUST started hash-tagging more. It took me awhile…

    @Tsaritsa- I kind of agree with you. I'm picky about what I tweet about when I'm at an event etc. I still haven't warmed up to Gowalla/Foursquare yet. The idea freaks me out.

    @Cami- Hahahaha….but who doesn't love pics of dogs and cats?!

  • Reply Sassy Stylings November 23, 2010 at 5:14 pm

    I'm such a Luddite – I'm not even on Twitter… yet.

  • Reply girluntitled November 23, 2010 at 6:26 pm

    i'm with sassy stylings, what is twitter?

  • Reply Jackie November 23, 2010 at 6:47 pm

    i quit twitter, then i started it back up. worst decision ever. i talk about my cat licking her butt, the cool food i made, starting a dance party, and…yeah, that's my twitter summary in a nutshell. catbutts, food, dance parties.

  • Reply theTsaritsa November 23, 2010 at 6:53 pm

    Regarding Foursquare and all that, I recently read an article about how thieves are using Foursquare updates to plan burglaries. There are definite downsides to an over-techno life.

  • Reply Randall November 23, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    I'll cop to #7. But in my defense, some really awesome folks occasionally decide to follow me [including you].

  • Reply Hipstercrite November 23, 2010 at 9:40 pm

    @Sassy and @Girl- You two are very smart ladies…

    @Jackie- Hey, don't knock cat butts. They are always interesting Twitter fodder… 😉

    @Tsaritsa- EXACTLY! It creeps the heck out of me. It's like wearing a big sign that says, "I'm here come and kill me or raid my house!" Maybe I'm just paranoid?

    @Randall- I think we all do and if someone says that they don't, then they're lying!!!

  • Reply Brooke Farmer November 23, 2010 at 9:45 pm

    Oh my God, this is so me. I've actually reduced all of my thoughts to either 140 characters or a blog post.

    And "I'm tweeting that!" has become a favorite phrase for my friends to dread.

  • Reply Benny November 23, 2010 at 9:58 pm

    Haha! That was a hilarious combo of super idiosyncratic stuff and super applicable-to-everyone stuff. #1, #7, #8 = things that we all totally do. #6 = something I've never done before… but could easily do. Haha.

    I definitely didn't really get into Twitter until I realized I could update it from my cell phone. Ever since, I've updated it with pretty much every short joke I come up with. Sometimes I even look back on my last 20 tweets or so and go "Oh man, I'm funny." The 140 character limit forces you to be an editor, too, which is cool. It also brings out everyone's one-liner skills. Man, Twitter is awesome. Except for when you click certain trending topics and see how nondescript 99% of tweets are.

  • Reply Tabs A. Geek November 24, 2010 at 12:40 am

    Yay Twitter!

    I've been told I'm an addict, but really, I'm not that bad. Considering most of the folks I follow tweet minimum 100 times a day, my busiest day consists of maybe 15-20 tweets… and I still don't tweet every day.

    I just remember all the funny stuff, that's all.

  • Reply Just Plain Tired November 24, 2010 at 4:30 am

    I used to think Twitter was nonsense at one time too. But now I see the benefits, as far as blogging goes. And hey, I just followed you. But never fear, I'm too old and frail to be much of a stalker. 😉

  • Reply cj Schlottman November 24, 2010 at 1:42 pm

    Will you think less of me if I don't Tweet? Old people have a hard time with some things…..cj

  • Reply Christina In Wonderland November 26, 2010 at 7:39 pm

    I've had dreams about Twitter, so I KNOW I'm addicted. It's a shame really. I used to think I would *never* like Twitter.

    I was so wrong…

  • Reply Jacqueline March 27, 2011 at 2:09 pm

    I just came across this and I now forget what I was searching for. This was an excellent read.:) I'm going to link it on my twitter. Heh.

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