You’ve been in a threesome before.
It wasn’t that time in high school you got drunk of off 40s with a waitress from Crackle Barrel and her boyfriend out behind the 7-Eleven. Or that night at the bar you mistook two middle-aged men from Bulgaria as two thirds of the Jonas Brothers.
The threesome I’m talking about is you, your partner, and technology.
The gigantic fat and smelly 1200 pound gorilla flingin’ his poop across the room.
It is impossible in this day and age to not have technology and social media dictate at least some fraction of young peoples’ romantic and sexual relationships. Every day we are reminded of the role it plays in our lives. From the positive- Twitter flirting, the changing of the Facebook relationship status, iPhone app or Google map wedding proposals, to the negative- flame wars, stalking, kids killing themselves over leaked sexting or videos.
For bad or for good, technology is here to stay, so it’s probably best that we learn how to offer it a beverage, stroke its hair, remind it how beautiful it is, and then quietly choke it while it’s sleeping and flee into the night.
1.) Give Your Thumbs a Rest and Put Your Wrists to Work– It’s easy, especially in the beginning stages of a courtship, to fall behind the shield of text messaging/IMing/social media commenting instead of having the guts step out on a limb. We’ve all done it before- meet someone, text/IM them a lot, build it up as something different, realize that you’re nervous to actually converse with them in reality again, hang with them in reality, both feel very awkward. Coming from someone who used to be an obsessive texter to someone who now dreads the pop up box on her spider web cracked iPhone screen, replacing text messaging/IMing as a common form of communication in ANY relationship, sexual or non-sexual, is not healthy. Getting info across is ok, telling the person that you a.) love them b.) want to break up with them or c.) think you caught crabs from a “toilet seat” should all be told in person. Also, no matter what your best intentions are, texts/IMs can be easily misconstrued and you will spend a lot of time digging yourself into a deeper hole trying to explain yourself via your keyboard.
2.) Don’t Kiss and Tell and Blog and Piss Off Your Ex– I discovered the hard way that it is not wise to blog about an ex in where the subject matter is about how he was the worse boyfriend on the planet, but the best ex-boyfriend one could ever have. No matter how nicely the positive statements were worded- with the ex given a proper pseudonym- he will still find out and send you an angry email the next day. There was a time when I could get away with this. A time when I could write extremely jaded essays about the negative traits of my former flames- but those days are gone. If you have friends or more importantly exes that read your blog, do yourself a favor and don’t air your dirty laundry. I know this seems like a given, but let me tell you, there will be so many times you’ll just want to share it all with the world. If that is the case, do what this lovely lady did over at The Loves of My Life and create an anonymous blog to talk about your former loves.
3.) Be Careful What You Tweet– This is another given, but again, in the heat of the moment (a.k.a. when you’re drunk) it’s easy to let this rule fly out the window. I’ve seen some crazy tweets float across my scroll. Everything from not-so-cryptic longing directed towards a beau who no longer wants you, to a full out curse fest to a girl who cheated on you. I dated a gentleman who was on Twitter as frequently as I am. I believe we spent most of our relationship trying to NOT read into each other tweets. Or trying to decipher them.
5.) Don’t Blog About Embarrassing Aspects of Your Life–
Because eventually you will want a meaningful relationship again and using your blog to talk obsessively and sexually about Pee-Wee Herman, or discussing how you’ve temporarily given up on your bikini trimming habits, or how at 22 you used to drink at home alone and cry over episodes of Arrested Development may not be a good idea. You know what? F it. Or you could not give a crap and not apologize for who you are.