I thought I pushed you out of a moving car on Route 10 somewhere near Lordsburg, New Mexico?
I’d like to think that I suffer from depression, but I don’t. I suffer from nothing remotely near that.
In fact, I suffer from nothing at all.
I. absolutely. do. not. suffer.
The only adversity I face is not having the emotional resources to handle becoming an adult.
Right now is one of those times.
And it’s at these times I think of Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide” (and at no time do I think of The Dixie Chick’s “Landslide”):
“Oh mirror in the sky, what is love? Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I handle the changing ocean tide? Can I handle the seasons of my life?”
But then I wonder what the hell mirror she’s talking about? Is this the mirror that Stevie did lines of coke on to help her deal with the ocean tides? Cause if so, I don’t have a bunch of nose candy and gigantic metaphorical plates of glasses to help me deal with getting older. I handle rough patches with buying Wendy’s every night, staring at it, never touching it, and putting it in the fridge as if I’m going to eat it the next day. I handle it by giving up on grooming habits and one day noticing that my cootch looks like a Muppet drunkenly tried shaving it’s own head. I handle it by watching the same episodes of “Arrested Development” over and over trying to learn Gob’s “Final Countdown” dance and ultimately throwing myself down on the floor and crying when I can’t master it or trying to strip along to Carmen Electra’s Aerobic Striptease and ultimately throwing myself down on the floor and crying when I realize I have the same level of sexiness as Gene Wilder.
I’m turning 27 next month and I thought I had it all figured out.
Yep, I knew it all.
However, I’ve come to realize that the only thing I’ve figured out is that we’ll never have it all figured out.
We go to college, study a major that we’re convinced holds the key to our future, only to discover that we can’t imagine spending the rest of our lives working in that field. We get a job, the sort of job we’ve dreamed about for years, only to discover that we’d rather be doing something else. We meet a partner, a person you can see yourself spending an extended period of time with, or maybe even forever, only to discover that they don’t feel the same way. We go out into the world shouting, “Hey World! Take a look at me!” only to discover that no one is really expecting you.
The last time I felt this way, I uprooted my life in Los Angeles and moved to Austin, Texas where I knew no one and had no job. The puzzle pieces that I could not fit together in Los Angeles seemed to…..blah blah blah boring…let’s get to the fucking fun stuff!