Back in February, I pulled a Maureen Dowd and completely lost my f’ing mind on (legal) edibles in Denver, Colorado. (I emphasize ‘legal’ for my current employers and any future employers. Hi, guys.)
Let me start by saying: I’m weed ignorant.
I believe this is how many stories begin when someone loses their shit on edibles.
“I didn’t feel anything so I started eating more…”
I guess when my boyfriend and I nervously bought the THC-filled cookies from a dispensary in the hip Highlands part of Denver, our knees shaking as we giggled like senior citizens who had just watched a porno for the first time, we must have missed the part about waiting an hour to feel the effects. We were too busy feeling like scared ass clowns.
Instead, about 30 minutes into eating the cookies, my boyfriend proclaimed that the skunky-tasting treats were defective, so we decided to go for a second one. And then a half of a third.
And for another 30 minutes, nothing.
And then we met up with our friend Cameron at the beautiful and newly renovated Union Station in downtown Denver.
And then we sat down to have a drink at the Terminal Bar.
AND THEN I LOST MY FUCKING MIND.
When I say I lost my mind, I mean I thought my face was melting off. I thought I was that Nazi dude at the end of Raiders of the Los Ark after the spirits disco’d out of the ark.
I first noticed shit was going south when I couldn’t follow a word of what my boyfriend and friend were saying. It went from a perfectly lovely conversation about the state of independent cinema to people sounding like beached seals. Concentrating was difficult, and not standing up and shouting “SOMEONE TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL!!!!” was even more difficult, but I managed to shuffle my way to the bathroom so I could slap some cold water on my face.
It took me 37 years to walk to the bathroom.
Once there, looking in the mirror, I noticed that my eyes were as wide as pinky toenails, and I had a giant shit-eating grin on my face. WHY AM I SMILING?! I thought. I AM SLOWLY DECOMPOSING!
I shuffled back to our seat at the bar and played it cool. I held my finger under my chin and nodded intently after every four words that came out of Geoff and Cameron’s mouths. One…two…three….four, nod in agreement. One…two…three…four, nod in agreement. You can do this Lauren, I pep talked myself. But I couldn’t do it. It took every ounce of my being not to simultaneously barf laughter and fall to the ground. I got up one more time to go to the bathroom, and when I came back, I gave Geoff the universal sign for “I’M DYING!” At this point I had to admit to my party that I was high as Neptune. They, of course, could already tell, but they had no idea how bad off I was. It was only when I started walking like this cat that they could tell.
Geoff escorted me back to our car and then our hotel room, where I promptly plopped on the floor like a rag doll.
“God, I’m fucking ‘UNGRY!” I kept mumbling over and over as I stared at my unbelievably large hands. Geoff, who was still not feeling the effects of the edibles, jumped on a phone call with a filmmaker friend. At some point he saw me pawing the air and heard my faint cries of starvation. He walked over to the mini fridge and pulled out a leftover slice of pizza from the night before.
He hung the slice of pizza over my head and I ate it like a Goddamn dog, y’all.
Seriously. I never tasted something so good in my life.
After I ate the pizza, I crawled into bed. Bed felt good. It felt warm and welcoming. But there was a gnawing sensation I just couldn’t shake: Geoff is going to jump off the hotel room balcony.
I watched Geoff pace the mezzanine as he talked to his friend, and I became convinced that at any moment he was going to hurl himself like a Muppet into the parking lot below. I whispered, “Geoff, don’t do it. Don’t jump,” but he couldn’t hear me. I drifted off into a deep, dreamless sleep. (Geoff didn’t jump.)
The next morning I was still high.
I stayed that way until midday, and my brain stayed relatively confused for a few days afterwards.
Geoff and I couldn’t bring ourselves to even look at the remaining cookies, and we flushed them down a toilet and then drove to a random downtown trash can to throw away the bag they came in.
Needless to say I have zero interest in eating the DEVIL’S CANDY ever again. Granted I did it wrong- I ate way too many- but it was still enough to scare the poop out of me. All kidding aside, we were pretty dumb. Edibles can be serious business for some, and they’re not to be taken lightly. End PSA.
I am laughing so hard reading this that I’m sure my neighbors think I’m crazy. I’d act like I didn’t know what you’re talking about, but I know EXACTLY what you’re talking about! Edibles will kick your ass hahaha.
Hahaha. They’re so evil!!!
I’m laughing so hard, people are staring! I had an incident once with some brownies, a Taco Cabana drive thru, and a plush lemur. Not nearly as hilarious though.
A plush lemur! I want a plush lemur!!!
Ooooh my word! I’m cracking up! This is so freaking funny, and the gifs just made it all the more funny. I have had a similar experience trying edibles. And the time I tried smoking it way back in high school. And again a few years ago. Weed is not for me. I’ve finally realized that. This made my day. You’re awesome.
Since I couldn’t film/draw the experience, I thought gifs were the next best thing. I understand what that cat is going through.
Best post ever! I can’t believe I used to eat edibles all the time ahaha. I am sorry you had a bad experience but I can totally relate I hate 2 of them at time for my first time!
I can’t imagine trying one every again! It’s too scary!
THIS, except mine’s distinguishing feature was terrified sobbing, AND I was in the sand dunes in New Mexico camping with my girlfriend and her family. She (thank GOD) was not high, and held me through the entire ordeal, during which I was intermittently convinced there were two of her and one of them was trying to trick me. The old “okay, hold me, hold me, NO WAIT IS IT REALLY YOU?, okay, whew, BUT WAIT…” for HOURS. Misery. Totally died laughing at the realizing when it hit part, though. Seals barking. Exactly.
Oh my God, this is so funny. Hahahaha. I hope you wrote an essay about this.
You silly, silly girl! You must be too young to have eaten the infamous marijuana brownies..
oh for once the often so boring huffington introduced me to an intelligent funny girl! to read you is a real pleasure. greetings from italy
Back in 1975 I was a bouncer in a big nightclub in Phoenix. I confiscated a bunch of pot over a few months and kept it in my freezer. My girlfriend at the time was a great cook but not a good communicator. She made the best chocolate brownies ever. Of course she failed to tell me that she had put the entire contents of my freezer into them: A Thai Stick, an ounce of Mexican port, I can only guess at how much hash was in there…maybe 3 grams. I didn’t smoke pot anymore at that point, so imagine my surprise when after the third brownie she said, “I don’t think you should eat anymore of those.” She drove me to work; halfway there I thought we were going to the mental hospital. Once at the club, I stood in the doorway drooling and smiling at each drivers license that went by as I “Checked IDs.” I couldn’t handle walking through the crowd to clock in so I worked all night at the front door for free. I’m sure I ended up letting every underage girl in town into the club. I think my brains were like melted butter waiting for popcorn that never came. Eating pot last for hours. I was high until I got off at 2:30 a.m. At least I didn’t need to clock out.
ha, hilarious. reading this brings back good and some not so good memories :)))
Okay could not stop laughing when I read this – geezus. Then again I eat like that normally (it’s not normal?) so I don’t even have an excuse like you do
Just what I needed to start my day off laughing. Thank you….
This is too hilarious! I feel like this would be me if I had gone through with it. When I drove through Colorado, I was on a roadtrip with my two younger brothers, one who wasn’t even legal. We ended up staying in Colorado Springs which from the looks of it, they don’t have places that sell? Either way, I’ll keep that in mind next time I go visit and decide to try the edibles.
A few years ago I did this on the 4th of July and ended up at Canter’s Deli staring deep into my matzoh ball soup and avoiding eye contact with every single human, especially my equally stoned friend. We then sat in the parking lot for either 20 minutes or 3 hours (legitimately neither of us know, to this day, how long it actually was) trying to figure out how we were going to get home without having to drive. It was horrible but also hilarious.
OMG this was the funniest thing I have read in a long time. It took so much out of me not to burst into laughter at work that I was crying instead. hahahah
Holy shit… I had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard while I read this! My first “edible experience” was a bit like yours; a friend brought me back a bunch of candy and some sodas. I was just sitting at home one night so decided I’d try the root beer and a couple peanut butter cups… In hindsight, about a half a peanut butter cup would’ve sufficed, but I sat there with a perma-grin all night. Don’t even know if I ever changed the channel. Whatever came on was the most interesting thing I’d ever seen 🙂
I was literally laughing aloud as I read through this. Well done! This is the first article that I’ve read on your website, having just been introduced to you. I am subscribing, but you’ve set a pretty high bar here. I’ll try to keep my expectations reasonable.
Oh my god, that cat.
Laughed my ass off because I’ve definitely been there.
I generally stay the hell away. Not a big fan of dabs either.
But when in Rome… start small and have patience.
Just got back from Denver, had a “snickerdoodle”, formed a deep relationship with that fountain outside Union Station. We loved each other very much.
Sooo funny…’ cause, Yep! I did that too. Kept revisiting the brownies, completely ignorant of the fact that more than 4 small bites would be the beginning of my demise for the evening and a night melted into a couch. As I was staring into space, all I remember was my niece saying “holy shit, how much did you eat?”
The cat, OMG the cat 😂😂😂
I was already doubled over with the ’37 years to the bathroom’. Then the description of your walk, followed by the damn cat…I almost slid slow-motion style out of my chair. You are awesome. You just made my f*ing day!
[…] of you may recall my previous adventure in edibles, where I feared my face was falling off AND my boyfriend was going to jump off our hotel room […]
I had a metaphysical experience with edibles once–“I think, therefore I am” came into my mind, so I was terrified of all my atoms flying apart and any second if I fell asleep. Secondly, convinced of my very fluid atomic nature, I could PHYSICALLY FEEL TIME AND SPACE. It felt like drowning in a river with a slow upper current and a horrifyingly fast undercurrent. As my group and I were in Solvang (cute little Danish town near Santa Barbara), I was also convinced the brick chimneys were walkways to the moon and clutching onto my sister in a fine china shop like a hallucinating bat.
Second time I had edibles, we were camping in Rocky Mountain National Park (I live in Denver!) and I was supposed to split this 100mg THC edible with two of my guy friends (both about 6 ft+). THOSE DICKS bit off only about 1/4 each, leaving me with the 1/2 (too drunk to notice). 50mg for a short asian girl. Needless to say, I retreated to the tent, where I was convinced I was in a ghost pirate ship and at one point tried to exit with the intention of screaming for help from my fellow peers surrounding the campfire, but managed only to crawl out, stare at everyone for about 30 seconds, and then crawl back in.
I was a virgin to THC, edibles, weed, whatever you want to call it. I ate three 10mg brownies, that’s only 30mg, which sounds like a tiny amount right, well I had an outer body experience, I thought I had died and was under the care of emergency personnel trying to bring my lifeless body back to life. I was so scared the entire time, I felt like I was going to wake up in a home for the mentally ill, and was going to be one of those patients that woke up under the bright lights, to a doctor telling me that I had committed this horrific crime which obviously I would not have remembered doing. I feared for my kids life and I so badly thought that if I was not carefully observed, that I could potentially unintentionally hurt them. I had a weird dry mouth, and all I wanted was to drink water. I was crying like a baby saying “why did you do this to me”, to my sweet/awful boyfriend who fed me three single serving all together in one serving, and he said he didn’t know. I would feel like I went in and out of consciousness, but my boyfriend said I was conscious the whole time, so those moments in between I obviously don’t remember. What I do remember is asking him, “how long have I been like this?”, and his response over and over again every time I asked was “you were like this for 10-15 min”, but then I remember telling him, “I know I asked you this already, but how long have I been like this?”, and his response was exactly the same “10-15 min”, which started driving me almost insane, I was having flashbacks, and everything was replaying in my mind over and over and over again, from the bad taste in my mouth to me burping up my dinner with that awful wanting to throw up feeling. I knew for sure I had died, or so I thought, and I wanted it all to be just one bad dream, but it was too real to be a dream. I also felt like Matthew Mcconaughey in the movie, “Interstellar”, when he was lost in space with no way to communicate, and I also felt trapped in my own body. I remembered wanting to call 911 to get help, but my boyfriend kept telling me your going to look crazy, and that being on my menstrual cycle had something to do with my reaction, but I didn’t want to believe him, but I also didn’t want to make a mistake, so I told myself to give it time before I do something that could be detrimental. The Craziest thing is, this happened like a 2 weeks ago and I still have a hard time coming to terms with reality. Whats real? whats not real? I’m still asking myself. by the way I was also high the next day after I slept it off nearly 9 hours. Now I feel like I know what a crazy, or autistic, or paranoid person feels, because for about an “hour of my life, which honestly really felt like 8 hours”, I felt like I could actually be paranoid.