Did y’all see that Buzzfeed article yesterday called 30 Signs You’re Almost 30?
Reading signs such as “you’ve gone to a bar and left because it was too loud” and “there’s an increasing number of musical artists you haven’t heard of” brought me great comfort; I’ve learned that I’m not the only curmudgeonly, 80 year-old-feeling 30 year-old out there. Since Austin is Never Never Land for hipsters, I often feel like the odd woman out.
The Buzzfeed post gave me the confidence to share my own signs of turning 30 (and as you will be able to tell from #1, turning 30 child-less) . I hope you can relate.
If not, I’m going to go crawl underneath my recliner chair AND DIE.
1.) Your mother tells you more and more often, “I don’t get it- you never wanted to nap this much as a child!”
2.) Watching Games of Thrones is sometimes better than having real sex.
3.) When you drive by college students, you find yourself saying things like, “Look at that stupid asshole and their asshole flip flops. I was never an asshole like them!” But you were.
4.) You find yourself going to the doctor’s office more often because you finally realized your mortality.
5.) Gray hairs are no longer cute or fun to pick out and hold as a keepsake.
6.) You start moisturizing day AND night.
7.) Drinking at home seems so much easier and cheaper and that’s when you understand how people become alcoholics.
8.) Elastic everything.
9.) You first laugh, then question hope for the future when someone younger than you says they’ve never heard of Fleetwood Mac.
10.) You’re really going to start that IRA this year.
11.) And we’re back to the one-piece bathing suit.
12.) You realize that your legs are starting to look like you’re Great Aunt Stella’s. How can they possibly be this dry?!
13.) You’ve thrown away all your thongs for underwear that is higher than your pant waist.
14.) Because you realize your mortality and fear that everything can and will kill you, you stop wearing make-up, dying your hair or using aluminum-based deodorant. The last time you looked and smelled like this, you were a prepubescent teen.
15.) Your body makes a lot of gurgles, pops and cracks now. This makes you go to the doctor’s. A lot.