Dear Women Who Loooove Douchebags,
I’m meeting more and more of you lately. Pretty, smart and outgoing young women who date utter and complete douches- and not in the “vaginal irrigation” sense. More like the “vaginal irritation” sense.
You wonder why the douchebags you date don’t call you, don’t want to be exclusive or never any affection or respect. You ask everyone but the douchebag why he doesn’t want to introduce you to his friends or family, why he insists on having sex without a condom and why he must still talk to his ex every day.
The douchebags always break up with you and you’re constantly left in a state of total despair, crying, “Gosh, there must be something wrong with me!”
There is something wrong with you.
It’s not that you’re not attractive, intelligent, interesting, fun to hang out with or fun to sleep with.
Your problem is that you date douchebags.
You suffer from Douchebag Attraction Disorder. DAD for short (I’ll save the Freudian aspect of this for another post).
Even if you don’t consciously go after douchebags, your subconscious is attracted to them. Your inner most workings are attracted to the douche before you pick up on it 3, 4 or 5 dates in. For whatever reasons you have this disease (Daddy issues, abandonment, previous relationship baggage or all of the above), you must do everything that you can to combat it or you will find yourself suffering from this ailment for the rest of your life. Just because you’re young and still figuring yourself out doesn’t mean it will magically change one day. I’ve met single women ages 30-50 displaying this behavior. Even if you’re married, it doesn’t mean that you are safe from the douchebag. You may have married one!
I used to date douchebags with impressive velocity. Every single one of them broke up with me and I was always left feeling like a small piece of me died. I dated men who didn’t want to sleep with me, men who couldn’t keep it up, men who wanted to date others, men who criticized my personality and men who never wanted to hang out before 10PM. Or rather, I should say “boys”. I dated one who lived on a mattress in a cabin with no job and only cereal to survive. I dated another who told me I was “too needy” because I texted him once in awhile. I dated one who had a girlfriend that he was “always broken up with”. I dated another who told me that his work was more important than me. Oh, I also dated someone who said that dating me cramped his lifestyle of doing coke and partying.
I dated these men between the ages of 21 and 26. By the age of 26, I got extraordinarily tired of hearing myself whine about the same dating issues:
“Why doesn’t he call me?”
“Why doesn’t he want to date me?”
“Why why why waaaa waaaa waaaaaa!”
I decided to do something about it. I put an end to my ridiculous behavior and it was after that that I met a my current boyfriend. We’ve been together a little shy of two years now and I can’t imagine dating a more wonderful person. It made dealing with all the previous dating crap worth it to find him.
There are several easy steps to ridding yourself of Douchebag Attraction Disorder. These steps may seem obvious, but it’s surprising how many women don’t understand that they suffer from this problem. In order to fully rid yourself, you must stay committed.
Step 1.) Recognize that you date douchebags– Write a checklist. If you answer “yes” to any of these questions- “Am I always the first one to call?”, “Does he only call me to hang out after 10PM?” and “Do I always have to pay my own way and sometimes his?”- then you have a problem.
Step 2.) Admit that you have a problem– Say it out loud, “I DATE DOUCHEBAGS AND I’M GOING TO STOP RIGHT NOW!”
Step 3.) Commit to addressing the problem– Just because you realize that you date douches now, doesn’t mean anything is going to change. You have to stay committed to changing. It may not fun and it may be hard work, but it’s worth it in the long run.
Step 4.) Truly believe how wonderful, beautiful and smart you are– Because you are. You are all of those things and more and you need to realize that. Just because a douchebag made you feel any less, doesn’t mean that you are.
Step 5.) Take a break from dating while you assess why you go after douchebags– Taking a sabbatical from dating while trying to rid yourself of Douchebag Attraction Disorder is important. I took a year off from dating in conjunction with the following step. It was one of the best years of my life.
Step 6.) Focus on you, your goals and dreams right now– Remember how refreshing spending energy on something productive and worthwhile is. You have hopes and goals and dreams that deserve your attention.
Step 7.) Remove friends who suffer from the same problem as you until you’ve overcome your illness– This may sound harsh, but I’m a big believer in removing people that are counter-productive to your recovery. Many women who suffer from DAD will never recognize that they have a problem and you don’t need them around you.
Step 8.) (Optional) Go to therapy– I find therapy helpful for many aspects of life. If your ailment is the result of deep issues, it’s worth talking to a professional to help you overcome.
Step 9.) Try dating a non-douchebag– You’ve completed the previous steps and now you’re ready to test the waters.
Step 10.) Bask in the love and respect of a non-douchebag– It feels good, right?
Though I prefer to call them assholes, I enjoyed this piece. This is also the second time I have used asshole in my comments in the part week or so. Proud.
Step 5a: If the suggestion to not date gave you any kind of ill feeling, that’s an extra warning sign. A desperate desire to be in a relationship means you’ll take ANY relationship. And douchebags are attracted to desperation.
Totally figured that one out. They swoop in and sweep you off your feet and say all the right things. Then u fall in love with them and its all downhill from there
This is great!
I think what women should realize is that, most women don’t DO anything to attract douchebags. It’s that most people are jerks and if you give them opportunity to act as such with no consequences, they will treat you like shit. The trick is to recognize when he is being a douche and not stand for it.
Confident, sassy women still attract d-bags, but the difference is that they know how to tell them to get lost.
You have excellent timing!
I know all these things, and have the last 3 times. This time is definitely different. I feel different, actually excited for the sabbatical, the time for “me” priorities. & desires, and therapy.
Thanks for the list though, makes me feel like my plan is sane.
And it sucks being the guy that is all good wanting to date a girl who only wants to date those douche bags.
It’s just about maturity, I think.
These are useful steps. It is a waste of time to date douchebags.
It’s not that the so called “good” guys need to be good all the time. Women don’t get it the douchebags/assholes are just that, they don’t EFFIN care about YOU and ALL THEY ARE AFTER IS GETTING LAID. After getting laid they are outta there, slamming the door in your face and running to their 10th, 15th or 20th woman. The Douchebags/Assholes are not CONFIDENT despite womens thinking they are oh so confident. Do women ever effin WONDER WHY THOSE MEN RUN AFTER THEY EFF YOU AND THEN RUN??? Does that smell of confidence when those looser douchebags/assholes effs and leave you does the pump and run? Women are totally wrong when they talk about the so called “nice” guys. A lot of women think the so called “nice” guys are JUST nice and nothing else. That’s complete BS, complete BS. Most so called “nice” guys have that other side as well the D-Bag side but the difference is most of the “nice” guys with the D-Bag side are usually wanting more, wanting to actually date you and not just a quick eff and dump. Yeah there are the “nice” guys that also do the eff and run but at the same time they are mostly looking for more than just the eff and run. But again the so called “nice” guys have both sides to them.
Now let’s get a male opinion shall we?
All my adult life I see stupid women chasing charismatic low life good-for-nothing scumbags and leave in tears just to later date the same scumbags again.
Why can’t they learn that these men are losers and they will never grow up.
Oh and the real good guys hang around with mature women who know the difference between a douche and a nice person.
I’m currently dating a douchebag. He was AMAZING at first and the slowly let into his addictions and trading having sex with me for sleep and sneaking over to find wifi at a friends house to watch porn and do himself while I made him dinner at home. And he lied about having sex with my neighbor for a year and a half. And he cheated on me. And pushes me. But says ” I love you”. He yells at me when I wanna have sex and he is “too tired” (he is a 22 year old guy…he should wanna bang all the time!) because he needs to wake up early to go to work. I get that. But when he finds time to stay out super late with his friends and not give a shit about how many hours of sleep he will get…. That pisses me off. He recently told me ” give me 100% freedom to whatever the fuck I want whenever the fuck I want.” He really said that. douch bag? I think yes. And he said he wanted to marry me three months into our relationship. He told me the other night he felt obligated to have sex with me and ten seconds later he said “did you make me any lunch for tomorrow”…. Ass hole
[…] This post originally appeared at Hipstercrite. […]
Most women turn into doucebags themselves when they’re in a relationship with a “nice guy”.
Douchebags attract their own kind.
They lie so easily to you because it’s so obvious that you’re LYING TO YOURSELF about who you are & what you want.
You bring BS onto yourself.
Self-deceiving whiners deserve neither a shoulder nor a pep-talk.
They deserve a swift kick…and a mirror.
Funny how actually dating a nice guy is basically a footnote afterthought… guess women just don’t really see that as an option (until they’re post-40… by then us once-was-a-nice-guy have decided it’s just easier to act the douche).
When women ask me “Why are all men jerks/douches/a-holes” I simply answer “look in the mirror, supply and demand”
I enjoyed reading this article. It had its ups and downs and truthful story telling. I really adore the irony behind it. Hipster is in the title of the website. And the worst type of douchebags are the hipster ones. And coming from the same boat we know those are the worst ones. Atleast douchebags are honest about their douchery …so to say. The hipster douchebag are the most dishonest and pretentious out of their kind. No girl I know of would ever date a hipster, but some I know of would easily admit to dating a douchebag. (Even tho you and I both know it’s the same meaning.) Something about guys wearing fedoras and neck scarves …scum like that deserve the airhead population they attract.
Well women that do go with these guys are very Stupid and losers too.
Lots of women are whores until they finally mature, it takes some a lot longer than others.
Unfortunately it is the women of today that have really changed for the worst of all since they really have no respect for us good men at all nowadays with very horrible manners as well. It has become so very dangerous for many of us men just to start a normal conversation with a woman that we would really like too meet since they will be very nasty to us and walk away too. God forbid just saying good morning or hello to a woman these days for most of us single men now is like taking our life in our own hands since most of these women today are real Psycho’s to begin with.