Last night I woke up at 4:30AM and could not go back to sleep. I was wide awake, my brain working a mile a minute. When I used to do this earlier in the year, it was because I was afraid masked men were creeping outside my window, ready to break in. I no longer fear this though oddly enough this happened to my friend last week. Now, now I worry about if I made the right choice. If going freelance is something I can handle without going insane.
The money situation is fine. I have enough steady work to pay the bills. I’m a little concerned that I’m not able to set aside for self-employed taxes yet, but considering I paid taxes for most of the year, I don’t think I’ll have too high of an IRS bill. I’m still adjusting to not getting a paycheck every other Friday, but rather one check here, another check three weeks later, a small check a week later etc. The fear of running out of dough has definitely made me a lot stingier- which I don’t necessarily like to be.
I love everyone that I work for and they all give me complete freedom.
I have a slew of other opportunities down the pipeline, which I’m excited about, and I’m just keeping my fingers crossed that I don’t burn myself out. I’m lucky to have so much work. I like being busy and I like being creative. I don’t mind working tons of hours for a job I’m passionate about and I always get my work done. I just hope that I continue to learn how to manage this freelance life better so I don’t get a huge ass and brain burnt. Even more so lately, I find myself not able to be in the moment. I’m off floating in my own head, afraid to be away from my computer and afraid to be away from my phone. I still partake in normal everyday activities, but I wonder if I’m even there. “I am simply not there,” Patrick Bateman matter-of-factly told himself in the bathroom mirror. Great, now I have turning into a serial killer to look forward to.
I’m also afraid that my brain is not able to be unique or creative anymore. Sometimes I feel like I’m on auto-pilot.
On a side note- I’m eating Kashi’s ‘Good Friends’ cereal and there are so many jokes I want to make about the cover of the box, but I can’t think of any.
And whomever invented Honeycrisp Apples should win a gold medal in apple inventing.