I was telling a friend the other day that my blog was stressing me out. He asked why. I told him that I didn’t have a freakin’ clue. And that’s totally not true. It’s just that I didn’t want to think about why it was stressing me out.
“Well”, he typed over Gchat, “Isn’t your writing supposed to be therapeutic?” I thought about it for a second and realized my writing has become anything but. At one point a long time ago it was a form of therapy. I was young and I was lost and I discovered that putting those two truths down into words helped. A lot. Looking back on those posts I probably sounded like a nutjob, but weren’t we all at 22?
When more than my Mom under a fake pseudonym started reading my blog, I got nervous. I was afraid that people would think it was some lame-ass teenage-esque diary of a young woman who needed a can of “SHUT THE HELL UP!” . Something I wish they actually sold in grocery stores so I could strategically leave outside college student’s dorm rooms in the wee hours of the night.
So I then decided that I wanted to have broader content, posts that would engage conversation. Stuff that was about more than my tiny bubble. I do write about personal topics still- my writing, the movie I co-wrote, an occasional post on twenty-something love/career/hopes & dreams- but I stay away from “the emotions” a lot.
Now in addition to not wanting to have a diary for a blog, I don’t often write about how I feel because I am simply am not that emotional anymore. I have gotten so caught up in the rigmarole of living and surviving that I don’t stop and think about how I feel. That terrifies me. As a person who wants to become a full-time writer, being out of touch with my thoughts and emotions is detrimental.
So as part of the new Hipstercrite, I’m going to write one personal diary-like post a day (in addition to other non-personal posts), mostly to remind me that I think and feel and that I’m not a robot. I also hope this will help me get my creative inspiration back. I promise not to get too emo. No moody self-portraits like these below:
So as my firstentry (For the love of God, am I going to regret this?):
12:16AM 10/?/11 I really have no idea what day it is
I just took 4 ibuprofen and 1 Tylenol PM. I’m not sure this is good for me, but I’m still alive and this sentence is so far sounding cohesive (Update: 9:11AM next day- it was cohesive, you didn’t have to edit that previous sentence this morning).
I took the 4 ibuprofen because I’m on day 2 of a headache that is worse than a normal headache, but slightly less than a migraine. I’ve found that the only cure is butt loads of ibuprofen and butt loads of coffee. I take ibuprofen often and I think the black void in my stomach is growing infinitely larger. The Tylenol PM is because I still suffer from anxiety at night. Not as often as I used to (needed it every night earlier in the year), but still somewhat often. Tonight’s recognition that I needed a sleeping aid came in the form of a tiny animal sniffing the underneath of my floor boards. Listening to animals less than five inches from your feet, only separated by a 80 year-old slab of wood that was part of a Sears catalog home kit can be slightly unnerving. Earlier this year I called the police because of this. I was convinced that the raccoons living underneath my house were indeed several masked men trudging through my house stealing my Arrested Development DVDs and framed picture of David Byrne.
Another indicator that I need Tylenol PM is that my boyfriend is out of town. At first I thought he was the reason why I had anxiety. Not because he is an anxious fellow or makes me insecure in our relationship, but because it had been many years since I felt I could trust someone with my feelings. Since I let myself love someone. As well as I was handling it on the surface, I contemplated that my subconscious was confused as shit. A man that likes you AND is good to you? My boyfriend and I also live in a part of town where petty crime is common, where my car had been broken into twice. All these fears created the plot line for the movie we wrote this summer called Loves Her Gun and we just completed production on. We’re in the process of editing, but Geoff is not here to edit. He’s on the road promoting his first movie Mars in the Deep South. I miss him, but this will be some good alone time too. He has gotten to try Pumpkin Beer Cheese soup on his journey. A food name that does not flow well but he promised tasted delicious.
Wow. So that Tylenol PM kicked in quickly.
I will undoubtedly be woken up by the neighbor’s roosters and hens that they let run amok through the neighborhood tomorrow. Just as they let their naked children (Update: 9:16AM next day- they started crowing at 3:30AM, the roosters, not the children, and you managed to sleep off and on until 8:30AM. When their crowing grew into a fervor of every 30 seconds, you decided it was time to get up and throw a can of “SHUT THE HELL UP!” out the window).
I love this idea. I freaking hate roosters. My friend’s mother thought buying some would be a great idea. Worst idea she ever had.
Thanks! Roosters are neat to look at but a huge pain in the ass. I’m over ’em, I tell you!
I’m glad you’re getting personal again. I like the posts you write when it sounds like you have a deep connection to the subject you’re writing about. Don’t get me wrong, I like most of your posts and your original writings, but my favourites are when I can tell you’re really passionate about a subject. Y’know, like neighbour-chickens and when you write about dressing up to match child-sized mannequins.
Hahaha. Thanks! Yeah, I’m looking forward to it. It will feel good.
Chickens are awful but so are donkeys. They are so loud ALL. NIGHT. LONG. Our neighbors have some, and they never shut up.
P.S. I like the diary post idea. Very brave!
Your neighbors have donkeys?!?
LOTS OF DONKEYS. Also, I live in the Sticks. There’s a cow pasture on the left and donkeys on the right. It’s enough to make a girl crazy!
Donkeys!?! Ha! Love it!
I look forward to more of these “diary” posts! Really like this one.
Thanks, Stella! Also, I’m not ignoring you. I will hit you up when I get my head back on straight.
It’s funny that you wrote this because I’ve been feeling the same way – like when it comes to my writing I’ve become a bit disconnected from my emotions. I started my blog so I’d have a place to write therapeutically however, now that people actually reading I’m trying to write more about broader topics. I remembe the years I spent writing my every thought & feeling on Livejournal – those were good times – however, I can’t imagine doing that in a public forum now. I’m really glad you found a happy medium. The new blog design is fantastic!!
Thanks, Simone! It sounds like we’re in the same boat. Glad to know that I’m not alone!
I loved the part about Pumpkin Beer Cheese. It made me laugh. Also I love when you get all emotional and talk about how you are feeling. It makes me feel like I’m not alone and for someone who is in their middle 20something, thats nice to know.
Awww good. I’m glad to know that I’m not alone either!
I really like this idea as well. It is so easy to forget that the writer on the other side of the computer screen is a real person and I think this personal posts are so important for not only you but your readers. Keep up the great work!
Thank you, Jewel!