How To Become a Karaoke Champion (Or: How To Become a Champion at Life)

I’m not sure if you know this about me, but I’m a karaoke champion.
It’s true.
In fact, I’m a national karaoke league champion.
Well, me and my team, Steve Perry’s Excellent Adventure.
Granted it’s only called the National Karaoke League though it’s not national at all, it all take place in Austin, Texas, and we were in last place and magically came in first during the finals round much to everyones’ chagrin, but we’re national champions nonetheless!!!
If you ask me about karaoke, or even if you don’t ask me about karaoke but ask me something completely unrelated, I will tell you share with you my advice on the ancient art.
Being a master at karaoke, like myself, is not easy. It took years of being a sibling-less child with a mirror as my only friend to get to where I am today.
But don’t you fear!
Below is a list of karaoke “do’s and don’ts” that though may not get you to the coveted position I am in today, it will certainly put you on your way.
How To Become a Karaoke Champion
1.) Sing crowd favorites– “Sweet Caroline”, “Don’t Stop Believin'”, “Bohemian Rhapsody”, “Total Eclipse of the Heart” are all EXTREMELY popular amongst the drunk- if you care about becoming friends with drunks and not having your tires knifed by a karaoke DJ.
2.) Nothing obscure or slow– If you really do care about becoming friends with drunks, certainly don’t sing a slow or obscure song. You’ll become known as that person that brought down the mood and forced everyone do some unwanted self-analyzing while listening to your version of “Creep”.
3.) Be engaging– Engage the audience- nobody likes watching you stand like a deer about to get hit by a speeding semi up there on the stage. Have a Rumplemintz, heck, have ten Rumplemintz, and then get up there and take off your pants. Lean down really close to some dude and whisper in his year. Make his girlfriend uncomfortable. You know what to do (see below).

4.) Don’t do the finger pointing dance seen above.
5.) Sing ironic songs– Irony is not lost amongst the drunk- don’t give them such little credit, jeez. Singing Creed or Nickelback or being two dudes dressed up as T.A.T.U. and singing “All The Things She Said” to one another does not go unnoticed or unappreciated.

6.) Give the crowd a boner– If you’re a girl and you sing anything by Metallica, Guns n’ Roses, or AC/DC, and sing it well, you will have instantly given the entire bar a collective boner. On the same token, if you’re a dude and sing anything well you will have also given the bar one giant boner.
7.) What to drink?- I come from the mindset to sing karaoke 100% sober. That way you can be totally immersed in your misery of singing in public. It’s the only way you’re going to learn, little one.
8.) Don’t try– If you don’t look like, sound like, or dance like Prince or Michael Jackson, don’t even try it. No amount of alcohol will save you from the devastation you’ll create. You will fail epically and live with that failure for the rest of your life (unless something happens like the scenario at the bottom of this post). Every time you attempt to shame either man, MJ sheds a tear from heaven that collects in Prince’s tub of purple rain where he drowns small rabbits. Do you want to be the cause of the killing of a lot of rabbits?!
And supplementary…
Land a boyfriend– Singing Michael Jackson to a bunch of people wearing cowboy hats, then shouting, “Why the F**K are none of you singing along to Michael Jackson!? He died YOU KNOW!” and then throwing your microphone down on the ground and walking away will always get you the guy.
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  • Reply Jessica July 28, 2010 at 5:15 pm

    My previous home was next to an very old lady, whose grandson would come over on weekends to do work for her. He would blare Journey in the backyard to the point that we were convinced they were relatives of Steve Perry.

  • Reply Kristen July 28, 2010 at 5:33 pm

    haha, I LOVE this advice! Except… I could never do karaoke sober. I once did a karaoke contest (it was in the style of American Idol) and afterwards the first thing the judges said was "so… how many drinks have YOU had?"

    I'll never know whether it was my energetic dancing skills or my voice-cracking delivery of "you're so vain". and I will also never do karaoke again solo!!

  • Reply Kate July 28, 2010 at 5:34 pm

    These are important life skills you're teaching us. I have karaoke plans for later this month and you've given me a push in the right direction, oh wise one.

    Kate x

  • Reply lalalalauren July 28, 2010 at 5:40 pm

    Hahaha! This is fabulous advice.
    I'll be sure to avoid that finger-pointing dance next time I'm singing karaoke.
    Also, Total Eclipse of The Heart = Best Drunk Karaoke Song Ever 😀

  • Reply One Blonde Girl July 28, 2010 at 5:53 pm


  • Reply Peter July 28, 2010 at 7:22 pm

    I feel like I've been edutained.

  • Reply Christopher July 28, 2010 at 9:16 pm

    What if you just flat out can't sing?

  • Reply Hipstercrite July 28, 2010 at 9:24 pm

    @Jessica- Hahaha….I probably would have gone insane.

    @Kristen- Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure you're not giving yourself enough credit.

    @Kate- Yay!

    @Lauren- I might have to argue on that song being the best drunk song ever. "Piano Man" is high up there.

    @One Blonde Girl + @ Peter- 😀

  • Reply Hipstercrite July 28, 2010 at 11:37 pm

    @Christopher- Then do the finger pointing dance.

  • Reply VegKat July 29, 2010 at 2:03 am

    I am nearly 30 and am a karaoke virgin. I shall print this list and carry it with me at all times should the need arise. One should not (can not?) be the 40 year old singing karaoke for the first time. It's now or never.

  • Reply Ludwig July 29, 2010 at 4:37 am

    So true! But I disagree with the rule about the finger-pointing-dance, as long as it's preceded and/or followed by pelvic thrusts it's all good. And that TATU photo still cracks me up even now, love it.

  • Reply MISS SMARTYPANTS July 29, 2010 at 9:04 pm

    I gave you a blog award on my blog 🙂


  • Reply Austin Eavesdropper July 30, 2010 at 3:10 pm

    YES TO ALL. So good, Lauren. My go-to karaoke song is NIN! (Closer).

  • Reply Christina In Wonderland August 6, 2010 at 10:47 pm

    You are the super-fab genius of all things that everyone should follow ever.

  • Reply Big Mark 243 August 7, 2010 at 7:57 pm

    I will keep these tips in mind the next time I go to a karoke perfomance.

  • Reply singtothe August 10, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    I can understand your advice to sing Karaoke 100% sober. I guess it's like 'being thrown in the deep end', though most people don't throw themselves into it! Keep blogging!

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