(*note to potential new employers down below)
The one who was drunk and screaming Serge Gainsbourg songs?
Yes. I saw him again at the social bike ride and he asked me out.
Was he drunk?
Was he singing Serge Gainsbourg again?
So, what did you say?
I told him that I would have to think about it, but then we ended up making out at the bar anyways.
Have you gone out on the date with him already?
Well, so, he calls me on Tuesday to tell me that he has this coupon for unlimited buffet of tacos and margaritas at some chain restaurant in Round Rock.
Did he pick you up?
Nah, he doesn’t have a car.
So how does he get around?
Fixed gear kid. He believes in keeping life minimal.
His car was repoed?
So, did you have to pick him up?
Where does he live?
On a mattress in his brother’s back yard over on east 10th.
In the backyard?! Like outside?
He says it’s to help him with his music.
How old is he?
How old are you again?
Um…ok…so, you picked him up and…
Well, when I got there, he wasn’t there.
Where was he?
I texted him and about an hour later he responds with that he’s over his buddy’s house for band practice and that he completely forgot about dinner.
So, about an hour after that, he gets back to his brother’s place and he smells like Jack Daniels hasn’t taken a bath in a few days.
Well, actually I kind of like it.
That’s even more gross.
So, we start to make our way to Round Rock and he realizes that he left his debit car at The Liberty about three days ago, so we head to The Liberty.
Oh man, have you been to that food trailer in back yet? So good….
Is that cute bartender with long hair still working there?
All of them.
I guess so? So, we go to The Liberty and his card isn’t there. He has no idea where it is. But he tells me that his buddy works at The Brixton and he can hook us up with free drinks.
Oh, they have cute bartenders there too.
Will you quit it with that? So, we go to The Brixton and his buddy is there and they start doing shots of whiskey.
Did you drink?
Yes, but I was hungry as shit, so I announce that I’m walking down to Wendy’s and the guys are like, “Cool…can you get us something?”. So, I walk to Wendy’s and get the most beautiful 10 piece chicken nugget meal I’ve ever seen.
They have good nuggets there.
Wait, why did you walk?
Because I was already two shots in and hadn’t eaten since noon.
What do you mean so!?
So, I get back to The Brixton and Atticus and his buddy…
Wait, his name is Atticus?!
Yes. So Attitcus and his buddy are wasted. Like, can barely stand up, on the verge of blacking out wasted.
Really? What did you do?
I picked him up and we walked back to my house.
As I held back his hair at 3AM while he was throwing up seitan that resembled baby diarrhea, I looked at my Master’s Degree framed over the toilet and started crying.
That happened to me last Saturday.
(*this post is hypothetical , based off of observations and not a representation of me)
OMG I laughed so hard at this. The scary part is that these guys actually exist and have not been locked in a cage for dysfunctionality (Is that a word?)
lol great post
getting me to chuckle at work = feat!
I just started following you…
Now that it's even more awkward this was really funny! I love those green tires in the picture
I just enjoyed this absolutely. Completely.
That bike is cool.
i hate guys.
Much as I hate NYC, if I had stayed upstate, I feel that I would have continued my long slide into becoming this guy. Except substitute Michel Polnareff in the French rock star category.
For me, this post was both hilarious and like visiting a Sliders-esque alternate reality.
@Tish- Hahaha! This "man" is kind of a mix of a lot of little things from different "men".
@Taraism- Hi Tara!
@The Eternal Worrier- Ever ridden a fix geared? I'm too scared…
@Benny- Do they exist in upstate? I just remember the Ambercrombie-polo-wearing-beer-bloated-dude-bros.
Yeah, sure… a mashup of a bunch of men…
… and an mashup of the women they get involved with
Fixed gear…fucking hell.
Ah. Good times. Good times.
This is what I hate about living in Austin; and why I will probably remain single until moving somewhere else.
To find upstate-bros like this guy, I think you'd need to stick to the Hudson Valley. Goodness, it's chock full of them.
"he was throwing up something that looked like a small mutilated possum"???
I take he he isn't a vegetarian then.
Shame. So close to perfect…
@Big Mark- Exactly. This story is about 40 people rolled into one.
@One Blonde Girl- Always.
@Fuastine- Ha! It's an epidemic, no?
@Benny- Is that where the hipsters are in upstate NY? I never knew… I think maybe Ithaca and Buffalo too.
@Jo- Ugh! You're right! Brilliant. He should have been vegan. I might have to change it….
You've pretty much both restored and ruined my faith in humankind today.
Thanks. Honestly. Sometimes I need a wake up.
Bravo!! This is a wonderful post, so well constructed and well, very fucking funny. Whenever I think about the negatives about my age, I read one of your posts and a grateful to be "mature."
Sadly, I think, I am almost ready to get out there in the dating world………….ugh. At my age, the good ones are all taken or dead!
Wish me luck……………….cj
I really enjoyed reading this. 🙂
Geez…don't set the bar too low. By the way, I absolutely love your posts!
well spoken, lauren. 🙂
I keep my masters degree in a footlocker. I don't cry as much that way.
Fixed gear…chuckle. Nice.
This is one of those posts that's so clever, well-told and funny, it makes me writerly-inspired. GOOD JOB you.