Remember Conan O’Brien’s “Secrets“? I vaguely do.
But I know I love reading Post Secret.
So much so that I eventually begin wishing that I’m as royally fucked up as the people who submit on there just so I can feel something.

So in honor of telling secrets, I’m sharing a butt load of them today. My Mom would say that having some secrets is a good thing, but I say, “Yeah, Mom and not taking your pants off during karaoke is a good thing, but sometimes you have to do it.”

Lauren’s Secrets:
-The anthem to my epic move from Los Angeles to Austin was “Sex on Fire” by Kings of Leon.

-My introduction to adolescent sexual yearning was via a B&W photo of a shirtless Elton John.

-I once received on the behalf of a celebrity I worked for, a very expensive bottle of vodka in a giant, sculpted block of ice. I immediately thawed the vodka out of the block of ice and drank a third of the bottle at 6PM on a Friday night at work. Within 20 minutes of drinking the vodka, I called everyone I knew crying, telling them that I’m sorry for all that is bad in the world, threw up something purple, and then fell asleep at my desk.

-I used to sunbathe nude on top of aforementioned actor’s office sunlight in West Hollywood when he wasn’t there. How I got away with this (or didn’t?), I’m not sure.

-My best male friend in middle school and I used to dress up as Elton John and RuPaul and create music videos all day. Guess which one was Elton and which one was RuPaul?

-I lost high school friends over making them reenact every episode of “The Kids in the Hall” I forced them to watch.

-I used to wear over-sized suits to middle school because I wanted to look like Dana Scully. I was never referred to as “Dana Scully” but more frequently as “dyke” and “carpetmuncher”.

-Sometimes I would sit at the window all day waiting for my father to come visit me. Every passing car that looked like his would make my heart skip a beat. Often he wouldn’t show up until the next day or next week or next month.

-Only on a few occasions has someone made me stop and really pay attention, and only one person has ever made me feel lost and completely found.

-I worry that I will become my mother, having not experienced love in over twenty years and being completely ok with it.

-I worry that I will become my father, constantly wandering and never feeling satisfied enough.

-I’m afraid I was born to live an average life.

….Wanna share yours?

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  • Reply Adria June 11, 2010 at 9:32 pm

    It feels good to share secrets doesn't it? The fear of becoming my parents sometimes frustrates me, and sometimes excites me.

    I have to let go of who I used to be to become who I am…and I have to be okay with that.

    There you go.

  • Reply Madison Rae June 11, 2010 at 10:28 pm

    The last five would be exactly what most of my secrets would be, but I suppose they're not secrets. They're more fears.

    My secret, though? Hm…

    I don't know why I'm still friends with my ex(es), but I am and I don't think I'll ever stop caring about them (in a friend way.) Sometimes I wish I could be bitter and angry at them, but I can't. I've tried.

  • Reply Sophie Neutron June 11, 2010 at 10:45 pm

    Hey Lauren;

    I've linked to this post on my blog, I hope you don't mind. It was your secret about sitting and waiting for your dad that got me.
    I used to do a similar thing.

    I'm also secretly afraid I'll live an average life.

    xx Sophie Neutron xx

  • Reply EMQ June 11, 2010 at 10:49 pm

    Is there such a thing as a secret anymore?


    I often dream of being a housewife. Wearing yoga outfits from Whole Foods and leaving everything behind in order to cater to my child. I'd be willing to trade my career anxieties for any dissatisfaction that decision might incur. That used to be my nightmare.

  • Reply Hipstercrite June 11, 2010 at 10:59 pm

    @Adria- I agree with that sentiment.

    @Madison- You're right. They are more fears, aren't they? There is nothing wrong with being friends with exes. It shows that you are a mature and loving person.

    @Sophie- I'm honored that I inspired your beautiful post. It made me tear up!

    @EMQ- Elizabeth, I'd say that is a dream of mine. 😉

  • Reply Amanda June 12, 2010 at 12:03 am

    I only like to buy hipster (literally, that's what they're called) panties because I feel like no matter how crappy I look, underneath my clothes they make my butt look really good.

    I also get really anxious when I have to talk on the phone.

    and now I'm embarrassed that I don't have a deeper, more significant secret…

  • Reply Johana Hill June 12, 2010 at 12:31 am

    I don't want to turn into one of my parents. I do envy some of their qualities though and wish I had 'em.


  • Reply One Blonde Girl June 12, 2010 at 12:53 am

    Ooh… secrets. I've shared quite a few, but here a couple more…

    I "blossomed" before the other girls in my class, and in 5th grade, they used to sing Robert Palmer's "Addicted to Love" at me, but instead of "Love" they sang "Bras". To this day I can't hear that song without seeing their taunting faces.

    When my mom left us, I used to throw temper tantrums hoping it would make her return. I feel horrible for what I put my grandmother through.

    And I'm also terrified of living an average life.

  • Reply Big Mark 243 June 12, 2010 at 1:42 am

    I wish I knew someone as cool as you in high school… anywho, I don't have anything to add other than I like your blog..!!

  • Reply Guise June 12, 2010 at 5:19 am

    "-I'm afraid I was born to live an average life."

    Absolutely no chance of that, kiddo. Unless that's what you choose. Your 2008 story about Mr. W reveals you may want to fight to *be* ordinary and resist your destiny to become extraordinary. But it's up to you.

    Don't fear the weird. You've got the insight and compassion for it. Don't embrace it, but don't reject it either.

  • Reply Writing Womb June 12, 2010 at 7:43 am

    Excellent post as usual! I thought I was the only one who reinacted the Kids in the Hall??? I was lucky enough to have friends to share in my enthusiam.
    I am afraid to drive over plastic bags…i always think there might be babies or kittens in there and i will avoid them at all costs…it's weird when i was a little girl i once heard about a guy who threw a bunch of puppies onto the freeway in a plasic garbage bag and it just stuck…i have never told anyone that before today
    thanks for the inspiration

  • Reply Ellie June 12, 2010 at 11:42 am

    I'm having a dana moment….

  • Reply cjschlottman June 12, 2010 at 2:43 pm

    1. I don't really like children.

    2. I count steps – both the real kind that take you up a flight and at other times when I am out walking for exercise. I listen to a book or music top keep myself from doing it.

    3. I am terrified that my blogs won't be a success.

  • Reply Juliette June 12, 2010 at 10:50 pm

    This was really inspirational. I've shared a few secrets on my blog, including my "Secret Bucket List".

    -Juliette WhereForArtThouRomeo

  • Reply That Chelsea Girl™ June 14, 2010 at 3:50 pm

    Thanks for sharing!
    The only thing I fear is failure.

  • Reply Penny Lane June 14, 2010 at 6:48 pm

    sometime I fear that one day I will just feel nothing. Sometimes I close my eyes and hope that I feel something, anything.

    I put up a tough, joyful front , but behind it is lots of pain and sadness.

    There are things that I want, things that I need, I trick myself into thinking that someday I will have them.

    My biggest fear is failing.

    I have watched each South Park episode more times that I would like to admit.

    I call myself a writer, but everything clouding my hard-drive is sheer crap. Nothing ever gets finished. My teachers have faith in me, I none in myself.

    More tomorrow…

  • Reply Angie June 14, 2010 at 7:28 pm

    I love The Adventures of Pluto Nash. It makes me feel shame. I try to be proud, but it's hard. So hard.

    In an unrelated matter, we watched a movie recently called The Wizard of Gore starring that man of yours, Crispin Glover. Have you seen it? He was amazing in it.

  • Reply Amy June 14, 2010 at 9:19 pm


    You say that being a housewife who wears yoga pants from Whole Foods and a parent who caters to your child is a dream of yours, yet you fear having an "average life".

    Many would argue that your dream to be a housewife and parent is an "average life" in a nutshell.

    Everyone has a different definition of what an "average life" is. What exactly is your definition?


  • Reply Jo June 15, 2010 at 8:56 am

    Hey, I just found your blog via Laurenne's 'Human's are funny' loved your post.

    I frequently have the impending-sense-of-doom, heart-sinking feeling that I'm never going to be anything, that I'll never be a writer and pretty soon I'll be sick of being poor and I'll have to get a proper job, and marry someone and buy a Volvo.

  • Reply Charmalade June 15, 2010 at 5:07 pm

    I wonder if I'm too late to the punch when I type this, but there's something oddly liberating about putting your secrets out there in a community of people who you don't know. Which is probably why PostSecret is so successful, in a nutshell.

    When I was little, I used to think that there was Frankenstein's monster in my laundry room, and a mean ostrich in my dad's office. Both rooms were across the hall from each other, and needless to say, I would quickly walk past when I had to.

    Though I still feel like a kid sometimes, I have this burgeoning fear that if I ever do get married, it'll end in divorce like my parent's marriage did.

    Thanks for sharing your secrets, Lauren. It enabled all of us to share ours. 🙂

    Toast with Charmalade

  • Reply steff June 17, 2010 at 4:01 pm

    that last one you mentioned…
    i fear that too.
    now does that mean we're entitled deluded or just totally awesome?

  • Reply Hey Dinosaur! June 18, 2010 at 6:19 am

    I'm pretty sure everyone in our generation is afraid they were "born to live an average life." We all try very hard to be extraordinary and special and magical. But I think the truth is that we're all average. There are way too many humans on earth for any one of us to be so much different than anyone else. And if you strive to hard to be "better than average," I think there's a good chance you could just become an elitist shithead.

    If I'm a happy carnival-ride-operator someday, with a pretty girlfriend and a few great friends that can swallow broken glass… well, why not? Same thing goes for, you know, if I turn out to be a happy fat guy that works at a rubber factory and eats dinner at the McDonald's inside Wal-mart… as long as I'm stoked, right?

    (All of this coming from a guy whose life has always been utterly and relentlessly weird. I should shut up. And I should DEFINITELY not press the "publish comment" button.)

  • Reply Rayelynn Majoewsky June 20, 2010 at 3:27 am

    I too was awakened to the fiery passion of adolescent lust by a black and white picture of Elton John.

    As for a secret? I am afraid that I will never be able to shake off the inherent restlessness that ultimately makes even remembering to pay a bill or buy simple groceries an exorbitantly difficult task. I fear that the ones I love the most are going to get sick of putting up with me once they realize that I will never measure up to the basic standard of being a responsible adult.

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