Cary Grant is the Reason You Can’t Get Laid

Is your love life in shambles? Do you find yourself repeating the same mistakes over and over? Do you feel like you will never meet the right guy or girl, or when you do meet them, they don’t seem to want you? Well, put down that copy of “Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus” that you never read anyways and listen to me very carefully; I have found the answer:
Your love life is in the shitter all because of Cary Grant.
Every man wants to be Cary Grant and every woman wants Cary Grant, but the truth is, Cary Grant doesn’t exist. He never existed. Cary Grant was even quoted as saying, “Yeah, that sweet ass mo-fo up on the big screen? He’s not real.” In real-life, Archibald Leach could be a real f’ing turd. His first wife claimed that he hit her and his fourth wife, Dyan Cannon, alleged that he would spank her during rows (that part doesn’t sound that bad).
Cary Grant was the perfect illusion of what a real man should be- dignified and diplomatic, impeccable manners, chiseled features, entertaining and humorous, yet with a hint of melancholy. Generations of women hold the standard that there is a Cary Grant out there for them, they’ve been told since birth that they deserve no less, but when he fails to show up on their doorstep with a corsage in one hand and a brandy and cigarette in the other, they pick the closest Burgess Meredith or Peter Lorre they can find. The women become resentful of their men and the men begin to feel inadequate and underappreciated. Then the fighting starts happening and the sex stops (“why don’t you want to wear that three piece suit and hair oil that I bought you!?”). Then the cheating starts, the courtship completely unravels, wars break out in tiny countries, and the ozone layer becomes a little more depleted all because of Cary Grant.
To Cary Grant! The man that makes me question whether or not I can participate in necrophilia!
Here is the trailer to one of my absolute faves, Bringing Up Baby.
Talk about ahead of it’s time. This shit is funnier that most of the stuff out there now COMBINED.
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  • Reply IT May 28, 2010 at 4:19 pm

    Thanks for that.

  • Reply girluntitled May 28, 2010 at 4:25 pm

    it all makes perfect sense. no one remembers the abusive, homo-erotic cary grant…just the very distinguished, perfectly-coiffed hair grant.

    and gimme a freakin' break, dyan cannon!

  • Reply Miss Morgan May 28, 2010 at 4:55 pm

    Wow….so true. Seriously…I do love him, oh how I love him. AND, what do ya know, I have zero boyfriend. Thanks a lot Cary Grant. Thanks a lot.

    I'm totally gonna go Netlifx that movie now 😛

  • Reply Friar Steve May 28, 2010 at 5:01 pm

    To me there is no greater testimony to his status as male icon than the fact that the name 'Cary' has virutally disappeared. I have a brother named Cary, but he's the only one I've ever known.
    It's fallen into such disuse that, when he's introduced to people, it takes two or three tries to get the first name across. I was there for one such case:
    Me: "Hi, ______. Let me introduce you to my brother Cary."
    Anonymous friend: "Perry?"
    Cary: "Cary. Like Cary Grant, except the Grant is silent."

  • Reply Allison May 28, 2010 at 5:36 pm

    This makes me think of an essay by Chuck Klosterman – only substitute Cary Grant for John Cusak (well, Lloyd Dobbler).

  • Reply m. May 28, 2010 at 5:58 pm

    Also one of my all time favorite films!

    But about Cary and no boyfriends… You've nailed it on the head. We're all looking for the unattainable because we're in love with the illusion Cary provided. I love him but I hate him just for that.

  • Reply Charmalade May 28, 2010 at 7:45 pm

    Never had I heard such a vehement argument against Mr. Cary Grant. Maybe next time you could raise hell about Grace Kelly? or Humphrey Bogart?

    Gosh dang, I haven't been keeping up with the blogs in such a long time. I also wanted to say that I really liked your latest post about choice fatigue. It scares me a little that I know exactly what you mean, but I do. Sometimes you gotta put balls to the wall and choose, right? I never knew victory tasted like Italian dressing. 😀

    Toast with Charmalade

  • Reply Writing Womb May 28, 2010 at 8:20 pm

    Ah I knew Cary was the culprit. and knowing is half the battle, according to GI JOE! SO now I will have a love life that isn't all shamble-y thanks for the awesome post

  • Reply Willy May 28, 2010 at 8:22 pm

    Spot on Lauren .

  • Reply cjschlottman May 28, 2010 at 10:04 pm

    Cary Grant always made me want my name to be Judy, so I could hear him say it over and over…………I truly have lived a sheltered life! Great post, as usual.

  • Reply Allison May 29, 2010 at 1:31 am

    I do love Cary Grant, but Mr. Darcy is most likely the reason I have no love life. Darcy was(/is? what are tense rules for fictional characters?) dashing, romantic, loyal and not only that, but he was willing to change for the woman he loved.

  • Reply Carolina May 29, 2010 at 1:34 am

    Damn that Mr. Leach. Is it odd that as turned on as I can get watching his movies I never expected to find a guy like that? Or does this mean my hormones are broken?

  • Reply Jess May 30, 2010 at 12:50 am

    bringing up baby is one my faves! so funny. god, i love cary grant.

  • Reply Lisa - Fine Sweet Life May 30, 2010 at 5:39 am

    I might have to agree with the Mr. Darcy thing. There needs to be more gentlemen on this earth.

  • Reply rae May 30, 2010 at 8:04 pm

    I thought the same thing about Chuck K's essay. Cary Grant is classier… but John has a better soundtrack. And we all know that's what matters to hipsters.

  • Reply Cameron February 16, 2013 at 5:15 pm

    The Oscar lifetime Tribute to Cary Grant was presented by Sinatra. And old Blue Eyes was more boisterous, confidant and funny that Grant, who looked ill-at-ease. He truly was just Archibald Leach on that stage. But on screen he was truly Cary Grant.

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