I thought I pushed you out of a moving car on Route 10 somewhere near Lordsburg, New Mexico?
I’d like to think that I suffer from depression, but I don’t. I suffer from nothing remotely near that.
In fact, I suffer from nothing at all.
I. absolutely. do. not. suffer.
The only adversity I face is not having the emotional resources to handle becoming an adult.
Right now is one of those times.
And it’s at these times I think of Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide” (and at no time do I think of The Dixie Chick’s “Landslide”):
“Oh mirror in the sky, what is love? Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I handle the changing ocean tide? Can I handle the seasons of my life?”
But then I wonder what the hell mirror she’s talking about? Is this the mirror that Stevie did lines of coke on to help her deal with the ocean tides? Cause if so, I don’t have a bunch of nose candy and gigantic metaphorical plates of glasses to help me deal with getting older. I handle rough patches with buying Wendy’s every night, staring at it, never touching it, and putting it in the fridge as if I’m going to eat it the next day. I handle it by giving up on grooming habits and one day noticing that my cootch looks like a Muppet drunkenly tried shaving it’s own head. I handle it by watching the same episodes of “Arrested Development” over and over trying to learn Gob’s “Final Countdown” dance and ultimately throwing myself down on the floor and crying when I can’t master it or trying to strip along to Carmen Electra’s Aerobic Striptease and ultimately throwing myself down on the floor and crying when I realize I have the same level of sexiness as Gene Wilder.
I’m turning 27 next month and I thought I had it all figured out.
Yep, I knew it all.
However, I’ve come to realize that the only thing I’ve figured out is that we’ll never have it all figured out.
We go to college, study a major that we’re convinced holds the key to our future, only to discover that we can’t imagine spending the rest of our lives working in that field. We get a job, the sort of job we’ve dreamed about for years, only to discover that we’d rather be doing something else. We meet a partner, a person you can see yourself spending an extended period of time with, or maybe even forever, only to discover that they don’t feel the same way. We go out into the world shouting, “Hey World! Take a look at me!” only to discover that no one is really expecting you.
The last time I felt this way, I uprooted my life in Los Angeles and moved to Austin, Texas where I knew no one and had no job. The puzzle pieces that I could not fit together in Los Angeles seemed to…..blah blah blah boring…let’s get to the fucking fun stuff!
Weird. I'm feeling the same way…and I'm planning a move to Austin in September, where I know nobody. My only fear is that I'll just end up feeling the same way and hop to another new city, and then repeating this until it becomes a vicious cycle of never finding whatever the hell it is I may or may not be looking for. Blah.
@Heather- moving to Austin was one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. Even if I don't end up here, it was worth it. Don't think of hopping around from city to city as a bad thing. You're just narrowing down our options which is a GREAT thing!
I think you feel the same way as many of us. I am turning 26 in July, and I just don't know what I'm doing…in general. Thinking of moving, thinking of a better career, thinking of going back to school….blah.
Honestly, you're too damn smart to be wallowing in your own self pity. Do I need to slap you? Wait. This sounds mean. Do I need to slap me? Probably.
But seriously, we all go through this at different stages of life, and a lot of people aren't meant to ever know. They're wanderers. Not hobos. Not bums. Just traveling "prophets". Lol. Spreading their messages across generations and regions.
Maybe that's what you are… ever think about that?
I can't wait to be old enough to decide where I live and everything else grown-up people get to decide. appreciate it maaaan, it's awesome.
@vanessa- i agree. hearing from lots of people about the same thing. makes me feel better!
@christina- do i sound like i'm whining? i do, don't i!? i was trying not to!!!
@allie- you might want to take that back… 😉
I like the "wandering prophet" idea a previous commented left.
I'm 39, and wander all the time….I guess ive accepted and appreciate what life has thrown at me.
Peggy Lee did a song Is That All There Is?
The answer is of course not.
Just remember that getting older sure as hell beats the alternative. I will take every birthday that God gives me.
If you remember how happy a dog is and that he is living in the moment, you have the upper hand.
@willy- that's a great attitude!
@IT- I always love your comments…and I'll have to check out that song.
@IT- oh duh! i already know, and love, that song.
Hey, I'm 30, and I still don't have that shit figured out. I, however, am wallowing in a pit of self-pity so deep, I don't even think Falkor could pull me out.
We were all deceived to think life was going to be something that it's not. When I get too down on myself, I just visit my twin and realize that shit could be worse. I could be her, with two kids and a lying, cheating Sig. Other who procreates with other women too, and then I feel so much better about my independent, nomadic, free life.
That's the moral of this tale… shit could be worse.
I'm 38 and I don't have it figured out yet… My therapist even thinks so…
That is all.
You souonded a little whiny. But I'm mean, so what I think doesn't matter. But I totally get what you're trying to say, and I understand.
For some reason I could sense a twenty-something lament coming on. All I can say about these things is rinse, wash, repeat. But I think it's much more interesting to be depressed some of the time than none of the time. The exciting times are only as vivid as your sad times.
"I handle it by giving up on grooming habits and one day noticing that my cootch looks like a Muppet drunkenly tried shaving it's own head."
I'll spare you my thoughts on aging, because I'm still trying to get a handle on them. Of course, by the time I get them figured out I'll be older, which will bring a whole new set of thoughts to deal with.
Ah, screw it. I'm just gonna go shave my privates to look like Gonzo. I already have the nose part figured out.
I just turned 37 and constantly hear that Talking Heads song, "I'm on a road to nowhere",in my head. Life follows it's own path, not mine or even yours. It can bring disappointment and confusion but it can also bright light and unexpected joy. Following a plan to the letter, getting 'everything' you want and imagined is dull and boring. How to appreciate the light if all you ever have is light? You need to have darkness, confusion, loss and sadness so you can truly appreciate those moments of light when they come along.
the older i get, the more i think everyone feels this way. we're all just struggling to figure our shit out. and when we do, we're 85 and realize we don't have much time left.
but its always reassuring to know others are in the same boat 🙂
The thing that psyches me out the most is how we all have different blind spots. I meet people who I look up to for figuring out what they're good at and doing it… and then I discover that they idealize traveling/taking risks/trying to save the world.
I'm actually pretty optimistic in that I believe that if we recognize that we're not that unique, and, more importantly, hang out with other people who recognize that they're not unique, we won't go nuts.
I love your blog. LOVE it. Thank you for having the words that I never can quite get it out with.
Bebe, you are awesome! That is some fine writing right there.
so i turned 27 and i made it out alive, barely. i can't even imagine 30. it will be a dark dark day.
im just a few months older than you and i can totally relate. my mom has told me on numerous occasions that now that she appreciates it so much more than how things were in her 20's.
i still think about being 13 and thinking it was the abso WORST time of my life. who knows tho? maybe ill look back on my mid-late (god, are we in our LATE 20's already?) in the same way.
each day is different for me. some days i feel like ive got the world by the balls and others… well you get the picture.
Yup, exact same thing here. Only instead of running to LA or Austin, I find myself in Asia for four years. Supposedly going back to Toronto for grad school in the fall. But actually, don't really want to. A bombshell of information I have yet to drop.
And I'm about to turn 30. So I guess that's just the way life is. Crazy. Blah.
I say Gene Wilder's darn sexy. Don't give up!
Gene Wilder IS SEXY! And you should move to Albuquerque or Santa Fe. They are a far cry from Lordsburg (dear God I pity anyone who breaks down there. ABQ is actually preyy fantastic.
This blog says everything I want to say better than I could ever say it. I am currently studying in the UK for a degree that I don't even want just because I thought it would be the right thing to do. There is nothing I want to do more than pack up a bag and run away from everything here.
Your blog is so amazing, please never stop writing because you have so much talent.