Browsing Tag

Theodore Roosevelt


My 2017 Resolutions by Theodore Roosevelt

theodore roosevelt

(This is my first McSweeney’s rejection. Please enjoy! No, really. Please enjoy it.)


My dearest 2017,

Your predecessor was a challenging year for both me and my country, and I aim to put 2016 to bed like the bear I shot through the eyes on my last trek to the wildness of Wyoming.

In order to move forward on my goals for a robust and cheerful 2017, I’ve compiled a list of resolutions to heed.

These resolutions are as follows:

1. Challenge that mollycoddle Mr. Trump to a grizzly bear-wrestling competition. Whoever wins will earn the coveted title of President of Earth. (No need to worry: What I lack in height I make up for in sheer man girth.)

2. Personally protect every goddamn National Park with my militia of mercenaries known as the Teddy Bears.

3. Free climb Mt. Rushmore and draw a black ring around the eye of that pansy Thomas Jefferson.

4. Host a dinner for the current members of the Republican Party where I will smack each of their whiny derrieres with my “big stick” — especially (more…)

Pop Culture

The 5 Hottest U.S. Presidents

It’s President’s Day, everyone!

Wait, it is President’s Day, right?

Once you’re out of grade school all these holidays kind of meld together.

And since I’m no longer in grade school, I’m going to celebrate President’s Day by discussing the hottest leaders to ever grace our country’s history!

Who is your POTUS crush and why?

john kennedy pt 109

John F. Kennedy

Why He’s Hot:
– During WWII, his boat, PT 109, was cut in half and sank, but that didn’t slow down ol’  mean dog JFK. No, that man swam to a remote island pulling his badly hurt shipmate with his mo-fo’ing teeth.
There was no food or drinking water on the island, so like a boss, Kennedy swam 4  kilometers to a nearby island for food and water and then swam back to take the men to another island with food and water.
– He and his shipmates survived on coconuts for six days. For those six days, Kennedy’s potassium levels were excellent.
– He won a Pulitzer Prize in 1957 for his book Profiles in Courage.
– He created the Peace Corps (more…)