Writing

Let’s Bring Back…

Yesterday, one of my favorite Huffington Post bloggers, Lesly M. M. Blume, posted a slideshow in honor of the release of “Let’s Bring It Back– an “encyclopedia of forgetten-yet-delightful, chic, useful, curious, and otherwise commendable things from times gone by”.

Ms. Blume already picked some of my favorites bygone mementos and practices (hats on men, dancing, red lipstick, record players), but there are few I’d like to see added to the list.

What would you like to see make a comeback?

1.) Guys Treating Ladies with Respect– Ok, this pic is a little misleading- I’m not suggesting that you court her by taking walks in the garden and then sipping jasmine tea all while your crotch is burning with desire. I mean, you could do that, but there is only so much garden-walking and tea-sipping and painful abstinence-exercising that one can take. What I’m suggesting is that you don’t sleep with her and then act like she’s invisible next time you see her in public. Or maybe when you take her out on a date, you actually take her to dinner instead of for beers at your friend’s house. Or maybe call to invite her to a movie at 7PM at the theatre vs. texting her at 3AM to watch a movie in your pants. What happened to you, guys? Your mommas raised you better than this!

2.) Women Acting Like Ladies– Postfeminism my ass! You’re going out behind the bar to suck that complete stranger’s wing wong because you have low self-esteem. Lord knows where you got it from because your parents provided everything for you. Why don’t you use that mouth for something more interesting like talking about current events or having something say, like, an opinion. And that outfit? Contrary to popular belief, people typically appreciate when more is left to the imagination (i.e. seeing your pasty, cellulite-riddled ass sashaying down the sidewalk in a mini skirt and heels that perpetually make you look like you’re walking upstairs makes the rest of us die a little inside each time we see you).

3.) Bow Ties– Whether it be man, woman, child, beligerant senior citizen in diapers, Fox News commentator, or 1980’s investment banker who moonlights as a homicidal maniac- they all look adorable in a bow tie. Well, maybe not the Fox News commentator. He’d only be cute wearing his bow tie while we’re hate boning him. Something about the bow tie says style, class, antiquity, and grace. Oh, and Chuck Bass. Mmmm….Chuck Bass.

4.) Oil-slicked, Parted Hair– Don’t you miss the days when you could change the car oil with your man’s hair? I know I do. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the long, shaggy alt-folk rocker hair-do as much as the next twenty-something girl who lives in a town like Austin, Texas, but something about being terrified to rub my cheek against my man’s head just does it for me. I mean, look at that picture of Cary Grant! Can you imagine that hair clean with fly-aways all over the place? No. That’s not how someone like Cary Grant rolled. He had to look impeccable. The oil-slicked, parted hair made one look like a a plastic doll and isn’t that what we all want anyways? To be plastic?

5.) Cary Grant– You know what? While we’re at it, let’s just bring Cary Grant back from the dead. Let’s excavate his grave and bronze his beautiful, decayed 106 year-old body and plant it on top of the Empire State Building for everyone to admire. If that isn’t going to work because of general rot and mush, let’s start a school called, “Cary Grant’s School For Making Young Men Look And Sound Awesome”, and breed a whole new fleet of Cary Grants!

6.) Crystal Pepsi– Because soda should be clear, right? Drinking clear carbontated sugar gives the impression that we’re somehow drinking something healthier for us when it’s no longer poop colored. In my mind, Crystal Pepsi even tasted better. Look at that beautiful bottle there. LOOK AT IT! Don’t you just want to run under a waterfall of Crystal Pepsi with someone that looks like that guy below?

7.) Mixtapes– Ms. Blume touched upon records, but why not bring mixtapes backs? And I’m not talking about a mixed CD you make for your new girlfriend with all your favorite Vampire Weekend songs on it. I’m talking about an honest-to-goodness mixtape- like the crappily edited ones you made in grade school with Michael Jackson’s “Black or White” playing on loop. The audio cassette mixtape has become a near defunct form considering where, unlike the record, it has yet to make a come back. I’m not sure why that is? Maybe because they sound like shit, who knows?

8.) 1980’s John Cusack– I want to build a time machine solely to bring 1989 John Cusack to the future to kill off 2010 John Cusack. Then we’d make it into a movie. What happened to this guy? WHAT. HAPPENED. TO. HIM? Every new John Cusack movie I see, I go through the five stages of grief- except acceptance has yet to occur. Granted we all age and it’s impossible to stay 23 years-old forever, but Cusack looks like roadkill left in the sun to bake and bloat. Let’s all chip in and get Cusack a full-body make-over and throw some Savage Steve Holland scripts his way. What do you say?

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32 Comments

  • Reply Jessica November 9, 2010 at 4:06 pm

    At the risk of sounding ultra-creepy, if we lived in the same town, we'd be friends.

    The list from HuffPo was one of my favorite posts and I love this one, too! Although, I'm not sure where to acquire a cassette player/recorder…

    As long as we're reviving Mr. Grant, can we also look into bringing back Jimmy Stewart, Fred Astaire and Clark Gable?

  • Reply Hipstercrite November 9, 2010 at 4:10 pm

    @Jessica- HA! YES! Let's bring them all back. I want to add the Marx Brothers and Frank Zappa to that list too!

  • Reply Melanie's Randomness November 9, 2010 at 4:37 pm

    I wish all of these were back. Especially guys treating ladies with respect, women acting like ladies, mixtapes, & John Cusack!! I don't remember Crystal Pepsi unfortunately. I think I'm going to make my bf a mix cd for x-mas just because it's more thoughtful than a mp3 playlist. hehe. =P

  • Reply Adria November 9, 2010 at 5:04 pm

    Here here!!

  • Reply Mademoiselle Hautemess November 9, 2010 at 5:16 pm

    YES, YES, ALL KINDS OF YES!!

    Can we also bring back 1970s Robert Redford?

    And crazy straws at the dining room of Pizza Hut?

    And the Kool Aid Man?

    Ah this is a fun game!

  • Reply Emily November 9, 2010 at 5:48 pm

    Ah John Cusack, he's playing Edgar Allen Poe in his next movie, I'm excited.

    WTF is that clear pepsi about?

  • Reply - B November 9, 2010 at 6:53 pm

    Oh crap! This is my fave post in a while.

    Respect for both sexes, a lot more class, MIXTAPES! Oh, and can we PLEASE bring Cary Grant back? The world needs more of him. Like Jessica said, Cary Grant AND Jimmy Stewart.

    Can we also bring back late 80s/early 90s kids' TV shows? Because they were a lot more clever and entertaining then what's on TV now.

  • Reply Christina In Wonderland November 9, 2010 at 7:07 pm

    To number one I say: please dear God bring this back!

    To number 2 I say: This would probably make the world such a better place. There's a difference between sexual freedom and being a slut.

    Number 3: OH SWEET BABY JESUS!!! What? Bow ties are SUPER sexy. I agree. They have to make a comeback.

    Number 4: I'm not too big on oily, slicked hair. I like my men with shaggy hair. Yum.

    Number 5: Cary Grant? Swoon… We need to make that school happen. Nowish.

    Number 6: I never tried Crystal Pepsi, so, meh.

    Number 7: The mixtapes are a magnificent and romantic art that def needs to be brought back, or at least we need to revise the mixed CD to bring some of the things about mixtapes back that were awesome, like the spontaneity of the song choice.

    Number 8: Say Anything Cusack is pretty much one of my standards for male perfection…

  • Reply Hipstercrite November 9, 2010 at 7:33 pm

    @Melanie- Receiving a mixtape is the best! I think it's one of the best gifts someone could give another person.

    @Adria- 🙂

    @Hautemess- What are the crazy straws at Pizza Hut? I'm curious now. I want to bring back the California Raisins too.

    @Emily- I did not know that. I will have to check that out now.

    @B- YES! Especially the early Nickelodeon stuff. That was the best! Salute Your Shorts, Hey Dude! The Adventures of Pete and Pete…

    @Christina- Did you ever read this Washington Post article called, "What I Did for Lloyd Dobbler"? It's great! http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/02/13/AR2006021302411.html

  • Reply -april November 9, 2010 at 7:41 pm

    Yes! Where are the Cary Grant's in the world, or at least the screen presence of Cary Grant? And I'm with you on that John Cusack idea. He was pretty swell. My personal Bring Back is: motorscooters. Let's see more people having a blast riding them alone around the city on them, instead of clogging the freeways with one person in an Escalade.

  • Reply Lola Nicole November 9, 2010 at 7:41 pm

    I couldn't agree more!

    My love for Cary Grant is ridiculous! Where is my Cary Grant? Does he even exist?

    And 80's John Cusack was awesome but my heart belonged to Andrew McCarthy.

  • Reply theTsaritsa November 9, 2010 at 7:52 pm

    Cary Grant and Jimmy Stewart, can we just bring them both back? And Vincent Price as well, just in case. So, so sexy.

    And yes, I wish everyone acted like grown-ups. It's not just the ladies who need a lesson in dignity, it's the men just as much.

  • Reply Claire Marie November 9, 2010 at 8:19 pm

    Mmm, Chuck Bass… wait, what?

    I vote bring back Jimmy Stewart as well as all the other ladies who commented before me!

  • Reply Charmalade November 9, 2010 at 9:10 pm

    I have a couple of bow ties that I strangely haven't donned often enough in public yet. This needs to be amended. Next time I'll wear a bow tie, it'll be an homage to this list and I'll give a shout-out to you (if you're cool with that!). 😀

    I think hair that goes all out is alluring in my book. Whether it's the all-out curly mess of rocker-chic or the slicked back hairmet of Cary Grant, both say "fuck you, I'm awesome." Well for Grant, he'd probably say it with more class.

    And duh, I'm a huge fan of #1 and #2. R-e-s-p-e-c-t in general is good.

    Oh, and uhm. Yeah. John Cusack? I don't want to sound too shallow by saying that there should be a tombstone somewhere with "John Cusack's adorableness" on it, but. Gah. Is it just me, or are icons from the 80s not looking so hot now, despite it only being about 30 years, not 50?

    Conclusion: I dig this list. 🙂

    Toast with Charmalade

  • Reply Vanessa November 9, 2010 at 9:15 pm

    Love this list! My highlights: Chuck Bass and bowties, 80s Cusack, mixtapes, and crystal Pepsi! Oh my god, YES!

  • Reply j.m. neeb November 9, 2010 at 9:49 pm

    Powdered wigs and the Whig Party! Bring them back and I'll be as happy as that Disney dwarf who was really happy. (Can't remember his name, though.)

    Unrelated: I'm a first time reader — of your blog, not reading in general — who had already decided to become a follower based solely on your blog's name. (I noticed it when I was reading the Sassy Curmudgeon earlier.)

    Yeah, so, um… hi.

  • Reply rae November 9, 2010 at 10:03 pm

    If you ran for public office on 4, 7, and 8, I'd vote for you.

  • Reply A Kitchen Witch November 9, 2010 at 10:37 pm

    Love this post. I've had a similar post idea bubbling around my brain lately so I'll just jump in on yours to say amen to bringing back the elegance and grace of days gone. Revive Gable & Grant. PLEASE. Smash in Kindles and hold on to actual books. Bring back ladies and gentlemen, people dressed with class, and hand written letters.

  • Reply Monster Girl November 10, 2010 at 12:17 am

    Amen on the Cusack, man.

  • Reply One Blonde Girl November 10, 2010 at 12:31 am

    Hurray for No. 2, 6, 7, & 8! Crystal Pepsi was great, especially during sleepovers when you were caught with soda in your mouth during a particularly hilarious moment. Hell, let's bring back sleepovers. And while we're at it, how about musicals?

  • Reply Simian Gibbons November 10, 2010 at 1:01 am

    Hipsters. Because they're gone now, right??

  • Reply Artmusicdesign November 10, 2010 at 1:46 am

    I had a long distance relationship a few years ago where we sent each other mix tapes. Yes, the kind you're talking about. It ended in an epically horrible way, but damn did I think it was romantic…

  • Reply the buzz girl November 10, 2010 at 2:08 am

    I don't know about anyone else, but the biggest take-away for me from this post is that I'm definitely going to need introduce the word "wing wong" to my everyday vocabulary.

  • Reply Mademoiselle Hautemess November 10, 2010 at 2:24 am

    @Hipstercrite – my Pizza Hut used to give kids straws like these: http://www.centurynovelty.com/detail_118_209-067.html

  • Reply KeLLy aNN November 10, 2010 at 2:40 am

    *Fostex
    *Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific in
    both Shampoo and Conditioner
    *Dressing up for Special Occasions
    *Hell, dressing period.
    oh, and FOR GODS SAKE!!!
    BRING BACK THE DAMN "MARATHON BAR"!!

  • Reply Christopher November 10, 2010 at 6:19 am

    I want to bring back slow-dancing. That was so fun in middle school. I can't ever remember being out at a club and hearing music to slow dance to.

  • Reply StrangeBird November 10, 2010 at 10:48 am

    I AGREE on all counts… except the Crystal Pepsi (and only because I've never seen/tasted it). I still have mixtapes I created, and I just don't have the heart to throw them away!

  • Reply inflammatory writ November 10, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    I am so with you on women acting like ladies. Postfeminism does not necessarily equal acting like you fell off the Rock of Love Bus.

  • Reply Benny November 10, 2010 at 3:58 pm

    I think I like this better than Blume's own list.

  • Reply Lauramc November 10, 2010 at 5:45 pm

    I have a friend that parts and oil slicks his hair and I've admired it since the day I met him. I agree with all of the above. If I could get me a Cary Grant kind of man, I could forget all about these shaggy haired, skinny jeaned, 5 o'clock shadowed men that somehow manage to fill my hormonal brain now.

  • Reply The Mad Dame November 11, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    Thank you for mentioning bow ties with a picture of Chuck Bass. Just made my day.

  • Reply Ms Amanda November 11, 2010 at 5:59 pm

    Yes please, to all, but the Pepsi. Fantastic list and the way you explained 1 & 2: pure perfection.
    That Fox News host with a bow tie… No cuteness at all, not even while hate boning.

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