Writing

One Day When I Finish My Screenplay…

…This is who I’m going to cast.

(I have yet to write said screenplay, so, I guess…umm….we’ll have to make up the characters RIGHT NOW!)
“Steinbergs in Space”
“Mervin Steinberg” played by Rick Moranis.
Bumbling, nerdy father who also happens to be an astronaut stricken with Tourettes.
I’ve had a crush on Moranis since I first saw GHOSTBUSTERS when I was four (that’s actually a lie, my first crush was Egon Spangler, but as I got older, it shifted to Louis Tully). In my mind, Moranis has created some of the most memorable characters in contemporary film- Bob McKenzie, Louis Tully, Seymour Krelborn, and Dark Helmut (lest I forget Barry Nye, Barney Coopersmith, and Wayne Szalinski as well). This Canadian comedian has done it all; rock DJ, sketch comedy actor, country singer, single Dad. Moranis has kept his career pretty low key since the passing of his wife in 1991.

In 1998, I legally changed my name to Lauren Moranis.

“Janice Steinberg” played by Deborah Foreman
Hot Mom married to Mervin. Is a devoted mother, wife, and interior space designer.
When I think of 80’s babe, I think of Phoebe Cates (who doesn’t think of Phoebe Cates?). After I’m done thinking of Phoebe Cates, I think of Deborah Foreman. Foreman is best known as Julie Richman in “Valley Girl” and Muffy/Buffy St. John in the horror classic(?) “April Fool’s Day”.
“Lucky Steinberg” played by Curtis Armstrong
The alcoholic brother of Mervin, Lucky spends his days being an intergalactic black jack dealer and pushing weighted cocaine (so it like, doesn’t fly up into space when you’re trying to do a line, you know?)
If you don’t know who Curtis Armstrong is, you should be shot. He’s Booger, he’s Herbert Quentin Viola, and he’s John Cusack’s best friend in “Better Off Dead”. He’s the second man I fantasize about at night (after Moranis).
“DeeDee Steinberg” played by Amy Sedaris
Mervin and Janice’s daughter is a full-time ventriloquist. Obsessive compulsive, the townspeople often spot her picking up garbage around town with her dummy, Skippy.
Amy is who I would like to be when I grow up. If not for comic wit and good looks, then for making killer cheeseballs and having an imaginary boyfriend named Ricky. Oh wait. Ricky died. Glenn. Glenn the disabled marine.


“Tex Langford” played by Charles Rocket
Tex is the nosey neighbor to the Steinbergs. He enjoys barbequing nude and singing opera at night.
Sure, he might be dead, but that’s not going to stop me from casting him in “Steinbergs in Space”. You may know Rocket best from his role as the villain in “Dumb and Dumber”. Or if you are a little more sensitive of b-list actors who committed suicide like myself, you may recognize him as Bruce Willis’ brother in “Moonlighting”, Ned Grossberg on “Max Headroom”, or the Weekend Update anchor on the ’80-’81 season of “SNL”. Rocket was part of the cool kid set at RISD in the 70’s, which eventually moved to Manhattan. He can be seen on old episodes of “TV Party”. I was fortunate enough to have met Rocket at the “TV Party” documentary premiere in Tribeca. A few months later he killed himself by slitting his own throat in his backyard. RIP Charles Rocket.

“Jesse Darkman” played by Crispin Glover
DeeDee’s boyfriend who is head of a crime syndicate known for producing and selling weighted space cocaine.
Oh. Where do I begin with Crispin? Crispin, that day I met you at Sundance, the anxious look you gave me, the sweat lining the brim of your perfect hairline, the wool suit you were wearing that looked like it was stolen from a cadaver… that memory has never left me. Never.

“Scrappy McGaggle” played by Harpo Marx
The half-dog, half-man butler of the Steinbergs. He is secretly in love with Janice and is plotting to rid of Mervin.
Harpo Marx would be 122 this year. He was the reason why I wanted to move to Hollywood. After reading Harpo’s autobiography, I was determined to make his story. Why I thought everyone shared the same love for a silent comedian from the turn of the century is beyond me. A wonderful friend introduced me to Harpo’s son, Bill, and to this day, I still can’t believe it. It was like talking to the bouncer of God’s doorway.
Ok, now I need a plot.
Any suggestions?
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19 Comments

  • Reply Angie February 2, 2010 at 7:51 pm

    Wow, the characters alone are enough to make me wanna watch it. For a plot, I suggest something like a misunderstanding (ie a misplaced suitcase full of money, or space cocaine) sparking a space war between your characters, in which nobody really knows who to kill. Some characters are trying to cash in, others are trying to escape from others, and some just got randomly thrown into the zaniness and don't really know what's going on.

    I will be expecting my cheque.

  • Reply Christina In Wonderland February 2, 2010 at 8:05 pm

    I would totally watch that shit! Get it written- NOW!

    Lol.

  • Reply Apryl February 2, 2010 at 8:29 pm

    I smell Oscar.

  • Reply Fashion By He February 2, 2010 at 8:56 pm

    sounds like a great cast!

    want to link exchange?

    -He

  • Reply Hannah Miet February 2, 2010 at 9:12 pm

    …Swoon…

  • Reply The mad woman behind the blog February 2, 2010 at 9:21 pm

    Um, this sounds like one of stories "you can't make up", unless you're Chevy Chase during his cocaine years.

    I'd watch.

  • Reply Julie, The Wife February 2, 2010 at 9:38 pm

    I think there should be a lapse in some kind of time continuum, where perhaps we find out that the Crispin Glover Character was actually Rick Moranis as a young, creepy man. Or maybe Amy Sedaris used to be Rick Moranis. And then Angie's misplaced suitcase comes into play, but who ends up with it may not be who you think they are. Perhaps Kevin Spacey walks away with the suitcase, no longer limping, and disappears down the sidewalk. And no one knew who he was THE ENTIRE TIME. And everyone was convinced Booger was the guilty one.

    And there should be exploding cats. And a symbolic aloe vera plant. And every character has a coke nail.

  • Reply T!nK February 2, 2010 at 10:53 pm

    did you REALLY change your last name to Moranis.?!

    P.S. I want a role in your movie.

    Can I just sit in the background and be pretty. 🙂

  • Reply Benny Paul February 2, 2010 at 11:44 pm

    1) Thanks for informing me of the existence of Charles Rocket. Googlevideo-ing him should provide me with many hours of entertainment.
    2) I realized that I like the way you keep referencing your imaginary LA. Most of us go places on account of mirages, but most of us don't even realize we do it, let alone write about it. I like reading about it.

  • Reply Benny Paul February 2, 2010 at 11:47 pm

    Ooh! Also, one of my friends grew up near Rick Moranis (in the Hamptons or some other classy part of Long Island) and used to give the man tennis lessons in the early '00s. Good to have some proof that he's still out and about!

  • Reply Hipstercrite February 2, 2010 at 11:55 pm

    @Angie- Hahaha…I like it. I'll keep you posted on developments and when the studio green lights it.

    @Chrstina- Hahaha…have any suggestions for secondary characters?

    @Apryl- I smell a Razzie

    @Fashion By He- done and done

    @Hannah- Which part?

    @Mad Woman- Chevy Chase would really add to this story. I'll have to think of a part for him.

    @Julie-Adding Kevin Spacey is a brilliant idea!

    @T!nk-How about you're on of the space cocaine dealers and your name is "Pretty Boy Floyd"? You're known as the most stylist of all of the space cocaine dealers.

    @Benny- So glad that Charles Rocket perked your interest. The axis of this post was Charles Rocket. I try to write about him so he is not forgotten. So sad. Did your friend enjoy hanging with Moranis? I'm so jealous. Also, your comment about my feelings with Los Angeles really struck me. Thank you.

  • Reply Amber February 3, 2010 at 1:19 am

    One thing that I really love about your blog is its pro -Crispin Glover stance. I'm deeply in love with this man and hope to sneak through one of the windows of his mansion and play with some of the more esoteric pieces in his collection of esoterica.

    Can't wait for 'Hot Tube Time Machine' (and 'Alice in Wonderland, to a lesser extent.)

  • Reply Amber February 3, 2010 at 1:21 am

    err…Hot TUB Time Machine…but I'm sure Hot TUBE Time Machine will be just as awesome.

  • Reply That Chelsea Girl™ February 3, 2010 at 1:59 am

    I couldn't stop laughing after seeing Rick Mornais. I used to love his movies! You could do one of those 24-hour period movies, only set in space, and everything about everyone changes, but it's in space. Kinda like American Graffiti or Dazed & Confused with intergalactic battle scenes.

  • Reply Suburban Sweetheart February 3, 2010 at 6:02 am

    God, is there anyone scarier than Crispin Glover? And anyone more underrated than Rick Moranis?

  • Reply Michael C. Cordell February 3, 2010 at 8:48 am

    I can't believe someone else read "Harpo Speaks" and enjoyed it as much as I did. The Marx Brothers have been faves forever – Groucho, when I was a kid – but after I read the book, it was all about Harpo for me.

    Very clever casting, no matter what the plot 🙂

  • Reply jady February 3, 2010 at 2:27 pm

    im gonna go smoke a cig

  • Reply Ericka Clay February 4, 2010 at 12:53 am

    strangers with candy changed my life.

  • Reply Kimberly February 5, 2010 at 5:31 am

    between the Amy Sedaris love and THIS:

    "…pushing weighted cocaine (so it like, doesn't fly up into space when you're trying to do a line, you know?)"

    I just farted out of excitement. So good.

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