The Evolution of a Quasi-Hipster

I just read Paste Magazine’s “The Evolution of the Hipster” and realized that I’m not really a hipster!

That means I’m going to have to change the name of this blog again.

Or maybe I am.
I don’t know.
I came up with a scorecard. What do you think?
Am I hipster?

Hipster Scorecard

1.) I wear non-prescription glasses, suspenders, and ties (bow included) (-1 for wearing glasses THAT I DON’T FUCKING NEED)

horn rimmed glasses + tie = dumb ass hipster
2.) However, I’ve been wearing non-prescription glasses, suspenders, and ties since I was six years old and didn’t even know what a hipster was (+1 for being the coolest kid ever, even though I was called “dyke” on a daily basis in middle school)
3.) For having a car as my main mode of transportation (+1 for not being environmentally conscious)
4.) I’m always six months behind on what the hot new indie band is (+1 for still loving, and I mean loving, Fleetwood Mac)
5.) I don’t wear pencil jeans, I’m not a size zero, and I typically smile (+1 for not being an emo kid disguised as a hipster)
6.) There is a picture or two of me wearing a fake mustache (-1 for having penis envy)
7.) I live in Austin, TX (-1 for living in the town where 1 in every 4 people wear a neon bicycle cap)
8.) At least I’m not in Williamsburg (+1 for being smart enough not to be broke in New York City)
9.) I don’t walk/stand like I have polio in my legs (+1 for having good posture)
10.) I work for a company whose name is an exclaimed adjective followed by an exclaimed adverb in a warehouse on Austin’s Eastside (-1 for trying to be so LES 1977)
10.) You will never catch me wearing a t-shirt or sweatshirt with any of the following on it 1.) wolves 2.) moon 3.) wolves barking at moon 4.) horses galloping towards moon 5.) moons making love to moons (+1 for just not getting the whole moon/wolf/horses obsession)
11.) I don’t wear flannel (+1). Except this one time….and it’s an American Apparel photo shoot (-10,000)

12.) I worship David Byrne (-1 for loving the ultimate hipster)
13.) I don’t drink beer. Or PBR. Or Sparks. Oh wait! Sparks tasted like candy, didn’t it? Mmmm…. (+1 for priding myself on not having a muffin top)
14.) I don’t wear Tom’s (+1 for having jacked up feet and knees)
15.) I would totally carry around a Diana or Holga if I had one -(-1 for mistaking low fidelity as artistic talent)
16.) I once stayed at the Jupiter Hotel in Portland and didn’t get it. Could have been because I was with my Mom who thought that the Ikea aesthetic and condom on the nightstand wasn’t worth the $100/night. (+1 for never once looking at Elliott Smith’s mural in the five years I lived in L.A.)
17.) I wear American Apparel (-1)
18.) I work part-time at American Apparel (-4,000,000)

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  • Reply Hannah Miet December 7, 2009 at 5:56 pm

    This is great.

    The results are…inconclusive.

    You are inconclusively a hipster. Which might just make you more of a hipster.

    I would love to have met you at 7 years old, ya dyke!

  • Reply Stephen K December 7, 2009 at 6:26 pm

    Haha, surely a true hipster would just know that they were a hipster. No external articles or scorecard can let you know something so intangible. It's like being in love. Or incontinent.

  • Reply WILDasaMINK December 7, 2009 at 7:00 pm

    I'm in the same boat you are….this had me laughing so much! I totally get the Fleetwood Mac thing, uh–they're awesome! Have you ever seen this stupid movie called "Gypsy 84?" it's horrible, or horribly GOOD!

  • Reply Grant December 7, 2009 at 7:56 pm

    -1 point for having a bathing suit with a hood on it.

  • Reply Hipstercrite December 7, 2009 at 8:28 pm

    Hannah- I was a very odd young girl. Instead of playing with Barbies, I'd pretend to be Rod Serling or Groucho Marx.

    Stephen K- Usually hipsters are the ones that adamantly proclaim they are not hipsters. They are in denial.

    Mink-NO! But I've wanted to see that movie for so long. So I should rent it?

    Grant- I was thinking of including that pic, but I figured the whole "I wear American Apparel" thing covered that.

  • Reply D'Et December 7, 2009 at 8:46 pm

    I laughed pretty hard at the Paste article, can't lie about that. I laughed even harder at yours. You really should re-score your moustache picture since, well, you're also wearing suspenders! Double points! Or double negative points? I don't know.


  • Reply mysterg December 7, 2009 at 10:17 pm

    Could it be that you're so hip that you're square?

    Oh and there's something very hot about you with a moustache…I think I need therapy!

  • Reply That Chelsea Girl™ December 7, 2009 at 10:51 pm

    I don't think there's an exact definition, that you're better off just being yourself 🙂
    Haha, that was like the inspirational answer.
    Buuuut kids that go around acting like they want to be hipsters are annoying, and you, dear, are not 🙂
    So + 1 billion for that!

  • Reply nicopolitan December 8, 2009 at 12:06 am

    I believe the criteria for being a hipster is denial in the face of accusation.

    Which means we are on thin ice.

  • Reply Mr. Condescending December 8, 2009 at 12:50 am

    I say you ARE a hipster!

  • Reply Mr. Condescending December 8, 2009 at 12:50 am

    I say you ARE a hipster!

  • Reply Mr. Condescending December 8, 2009 at 12:51 am

    You look entirely different in each picture!

  • Reply K December 8, 2009 at 4:53 pm

    youre a hipster. i decided.


  • Reply kelsey. December 9, 2009 at 8:03 am

    the hipsters are trying to steal your identity.

  • Reply ash.lin. December 9, 2009 at 3:14 pm

    haha i think hannah has a valid point there!

  • Reply Krysten Hartenstein December 10, 2009 at 2:12 am

    Oh my gosh, totally hysterical. Thanks for the laugh!

  • Reply Polly Syllabick December 10, 2009 at 4:50 am

    how come all the cool girls get called dyke in middle-school?

    hipster status: unaffiliated

  • Reply SANEGO2000 December 17, 2009 at 10:30 am

    Great work.


  • Reply Hawk December 18, 2009 at 3:21 pm

    Will you promote my blog for me? I'd be happy to promote yours as well.


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