Writing

How to Become a Hollywood Assistant


I wrote this Ehow.com a bit ago and all the not-yet-jaded kids seem to like it. I should have put the disclaimer, “But you’re a fucking jackass if you think you REALLY want to be a Hollywood assistant.” 

So little do they know…
You see that picture? You want to look like her? Tired eyes, frizzy hair, walkie talkie strapped to belt, listening to her boss scream obscenities in her ear as she tries to drown it out by shoveling into her mouth phallic looking hot dogs from craft service that sadly remind her that Hollywood is one big sausage fest? Is that what you want to be?! HUH???
So, below, is the sweet, encouraging Lauren on Ehow encouraging YOU to become some pathological-egomaniacal-big-chip-on-his-shoulder-because-kids-called-him-fatty-still-has-mother-issues dude’s assistant (P.S. rent “Swimming with Sharks” you clueless idiot).
Thinking about becoming an assistant in Tinseltown? Well look no further! I will give you first-hand info on the steps you need to take to become the next hot Hollywood assistant.
Check out more of my writing at www.hipstercrite.blogspot.com

1.) Interning– Unless your Dad is Harvey Weinstein (God help you) and you’re well-connected, this is one of the only ways you’re going to get your foot in the Hollywood door. It’s simple; go to college, check your school’s database of internships, or cold call companies saying that you’re a student and you’re looking for an internship. People LOVE interns! You’re free labor! Make a good impression during your internship and I’d say 50% of the time their is a job opportunity waiting for you after you’ve completed it (this depends solely on if the company/person you are working for needs hired help, if not, they’ll gladly refer you to others if they liked you). This is how I got my job. It’s probably the simplest way to break into the business. HOWEVER, the important key here is make a good impression and do a good job. If you don’t, it’s back on the train home for you.

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1 Comment

  • Reply s. clark April 8, 2009 at 5:09 am

    I think you look good in that picture! maybe it’s just the hotdog..?

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