Living in a new city, working in retail, and having zero dollars to buy/create a costume can really take the fun out of Halloween. When most people were out partaking in the fantasy of being someone else for an evening, I was tying to explain to the 90th person that we sold out of gold wristbands and headbands because “everyone and their mother wanted to be fucking Paulie Bleeker for Halloween and you’re a FUCKING IDIOT to think that at 8PM on Halloween night we’d still have them in stock.”
For the first time in my life, I hated Halloween. I wanted the evening to end. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to go out and even if I did, I really didn’t know where to go. This holiday meant so much to me and there I was, angry, uncostumed, and stomach empty of candy. I wanted to punch every Sarah Palin or Amy Winehouse that crossed my path (I’d definitely punch one of them even if it weren’t Halloween). To add insult to injury, as I locked up the store, someone shouted from a van, “Fuck you hipster!” Needless to say, I was not dressed up.
I sulked home and got a good night of sleep for my early morning at work. I woke up excited. “Today I will make up for the fun I didn’t have last night!” I said to myself in the mirror. I go into work, fresh as a daisy, and watched the empty sidewalks of South Congress. I was the only one in the store and enjoyed the solitude. A man passed by on his bike. I smiled. He backed up. He parked his bike and walked into the store.
“Oh my my my! I ju-just want to pro-propose marriage to you!” He stuttered.
He was a tall man of about forty-five. He came complete with wind suit, gold chains, and cornrows.
With both paws, he took my left hand and swayed it by and forth.
“Oh dear! Yes! I’m gonna pro-propose marriage!”
He then pulled my hand lower and brushed it against his crotch.
“Oh oh…sorry!” He said.
I stood their looking at him, mouth gaped, completely dumbfounded. I knew what just happened but I didn’t believe it.
“Hmmm! I like this….windbreaker…over over here!”
He picks the first item in eye shot. He starts talking arbitrarily about how he needs a new windbreaker for his bike rides.
I stood next to the door, nodding, not listening to a word he said. Two thoughts came to mind. 1.) Stand close to the door so you can escape if need be and 2.) He looks like Morris Day in PURPLE RAIN.
Realizing my complete disconnect and disinterest, he left. I watched him walk out the store and was angry at myself for not reacting more violently. I had never encountered such a situation and I did not know how to react. I chalked it up as a learning experience (what I learned is beyond me) and decided to give up and just throw in the cards for this Halloween.